I realised something important today. The reason why I've been feeling antsy the last couple of days is that I need a new project.
The thing is, food was my best friend. Now that I've officially decided it's a onesided relationship and I want more from my life, I've got extra free time to use up and need a new focus.
I'm still waiting for my life coaching course to start which will give me something to do in the evenings. It seems to be taking ages to sort it out. I've sent them cheques and now they want forms filled in with my previous qualifications. *Sigh* Hopefully it'll get sorted out soon.
My DH has plenty to occupy him. He likes to play computer games (boring!) or organise the live role playing games such as Vikings! I like to do things with people, socialise. I've got the evening to myself tonight (DH is off out with work). I'm going to think about what I can do with my spare evening time. I don't want to spend it reading books or watching tv, I feel I do too much of that already.
There's always housework to do, but oddly enough, I'd almost do anything else!! :-)
I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and go bellydancing. I feel much better for having moved!
Thursday, 29 March 2007
I realised something important today. The reason why I've been feeling antsy the last couple of days is that I need a new project.
Wednesday, 28 March 2007
I gave blood this evening. It didn't hurt but I've been feeling 'bingy' all evening and fancying sugary foods. I had some and was too full to eat my dinner.
Oh well. Perhaps I needed the sugar to re-stock my armful of blood. I've felt a bit 'wobbly' since donating it.
And I suppose it's progress to only eat a couple of bites and decide that the bourbon biscuits, pieces of dark chocolate and hundreds and thousands were eaten instead of my tea rather than as well as!
Being tired isn't helping so I'm off to bed. At least with IE you can just try again tomorrow, it's not a diet so you can't fail!
Posted by Liquorice Torpedoes at 22:21
I had a strange experience last night. We were watching Battlestar Gallactica when I heard a 'whoo, whoo' noise. I suggested that it might be the European Eagle Owl that has apparently been spotted in our neighbourhood and was in our local papers.
My DH poo pooed the idea and insisted it must be a pigeon. Anyway, I went out at the break and there was a MASSIVE bird sitting on our chimney pot! We couldn't get pictures because it was dark, but you could just see it's profile against the night's sky.
I'm going to have to keep the cat in as apparently they like eating cats, small dogs and lambs and our cat is white and fluffy!
I did manage to clean the windows in the lounge last night. They were filthy and had cat paw prints just at peering out level. I've been looking on flylady.net to try and organise me into having a clean house. If it's something that you think might help you, make sure you ask for only one email a day or they send about 50!
In other news, I had a lovely chat with Audrey from Beyond Chocolate. We were discussing the thorny issue of 'healthy eating' and intuitive eating. (Difficult because you don't want to 'diet' but to lose weight you need to choose to eat more healthily.) She made a really good point about how you might eat only 3 portions of fruit and veg one day, but 7 the next. It made me realise how prescriptive healthy eating rules can be.
I'm slowly getting to the stage of wanting to change how I eat because I love my body and want it to feel nourished, but I don't ever want to go on a 'diet' or 'plan' again. Audrey believes there is a 'middle way' and is looking at a way of supporting BCers who want to find it, which is excellent news!
I'm going to the Beyond Chocolate Tea party on 6th May which sounds like a lot of fun. If you want tickets, you can buy them and find out more about it here. http://www.beyondchocolate.co.uk/teaparty.htm Hopefully I'll meet some of my cyberspace buddies there.
Posted by Liquorice Torpedoes at 13:23
Tuesday, 27 March 2007
Well, Vikings was lots of fun. I ate many many nuts, stew and irish soda bread. I managed to be a mostly sober Viking ;)
I'm quite cheery at the moment, I think because of the sunny weather and the fact that the clocks have changed. I'm trying to continue to keep to the intuitive eating. I don't have any great insights to report, but it seems to be becoming easier (generally), I now very rarely eat chocolate bars apart from dark chocolate and my liquorice torpedoe quotient is down to about 10 a day (and they're kind of small).
Shockingly I even craved vegetables for dinner last night. I think it was after the 'meat' and nuts of the weekend. We had a very nice warm bacon salad (bacon & rocket) and parma ham wrapped around blue cheese and big mushrooms. Yum.
Tonight DH made me sushi. I love sushi, I'd quite happily eat fish every day for the rest of my life. I can't persuade DH to make it every day, but if I could I would.
SOMETHING POSITIVE ABOUT THE LAST FEW DAYS: I received some new clothes from the catalogue I ordered from and I feel quite good in them. I even got complimented on looking good in them!
AIM FOR TODAY/TOMORROW: I'm going to have a big tidy up tonight as part of my aim to MOVE and also because I feel happier when the house isn't a dump.
Posted by Liquorice Torpedoes at 13:13
Thursday, 22 March 2007
Well, it wasn't for me I don't think. I was joining half way through a course and although it said that newcomers were welcome this made it a bit tough.
I've never meditated before and had no idea what to expect. It was more like going to church, with a table at the front with glass bowls, a picture of Buddha and the monk sitting at the front facing us. I should also add that I have no knowledge about Buddhism except that they don't eat meat and meditate and are peaceful.
He started off by talking about change and permanence and how nothing ever stays the same, we are different even from ourselves between the morning and afternoon. He used a river as an example. Then he explained that this meant that anything someone had said or done to us was also not permanent.
He then explained that all problems are external and can be dealt with by going internally into our minds. All problems are caused by 'delusions' e.g. someone speaks negatively to you and you respond with anger. Anger is a delusion. You can stop being angry by meditating.
He said there are three 'jewels' to achieving inner peace - Dharma, which are the tools you learn to meditate on positive emotions e.g. love, peace, patience; 'junga' which is the community who support you on your path and 'Buddha' who is a teacher and a guide or role model.
(BTW, sorry if I've misspelled anything or misunderstood any of what he said, as I explained this is my first experience of Buddhism and I respect the rights of others to believe in whatever they want).
I asked what about when it's something you can't change easily. He said that then you have to accept that this is the case and lose the frustration.
What really interested me is that instead of looking externally to achieve peace he was saying to look internally. This is different from western society where we take a pill for a headache, eat to avoid bad thoughts, pray to God (an external force). Instead, you need to achieve peace by changing the way you think about others and react to them.
We did meditate, which I struggled with, sitting quietly for 20 mins was difficult. I think I'll get a tape to listen to, I was interested in what he said and a lot of it made sense, but I've been brought up Catholic and I'm not searching for another religion.
I'm also going to get some books and try to learn more about Buddhism which is fascinating and seems to really tie in with Psychology and intutive eating.
SOMETHING POSITIVE ABOUT TODAY: Making my own bread and stew for the weekend, trying on my new clothes which arrived and fit
GOAL TOMORROW: Move! Help DH to set up the Viking enclosure!
Posted by Liquorice Torpedoes at 09:27
Wednesday, 21 March 2007
So, today I'm going to my first ever meditation class. I have no idea what it's going to be like, but I'm going to try it out. I want to get better at 'tuning in' to my emotions and both the 'Eating, Drinking, Overthinking' book and Intuitive Eating suggest meditation as a good way to do this.
I'll let you know how I get on. I hope it's not just sitting still for an hour and a half saying 'ohm!'
I've also applied for my 'Learn to be a life coach' course. I'm doing this via distance learning and there are NO EXAMS! This is important given my recent track record.
The plan is that I will do this course, the next level up and then, hopefully, if I manage to get pregnant I'll be able to do life-coaching part time. Since I'm also still hoping to become a Beyond Chocolate Fairy, I'm hoping that I'll be able to specialise in intuitive eating. We'll have to see, but it's good to have plans.
Normal eating wise, I'm still doing quite well. I no longer have the urge (mostly) to buy food on the way home and have drastically cut down on sweets. I'm incorporating sweet food in my actual eating/diet and this seems to have made a lot of difference. Evenings are a bit of a danger zone still and i'm watching what I'm doing.
Booze wise, since we're trying for a baby I realise I have no choice but to drastically cut back and I was pleased with myself yesterday as I only had a very small glass and a half of wine, whilst my DH and friend drank most of a bottle each between them. I'd never forgive myself if I was pregnant and harmed the child so this is a great incentive. It'll be hard at the weekend, I'm going to a live action roleplaying game where we're pretending to be Vikings http://www.larp-conspiracy.co.uk/viking/ and it'll be tough being a sober Viking this weekend. I'll have to claim I'm on antibiotics I think!
I know, larping is a bit mad, but it's so much fun!
SOMETHING POSITIVE ABOUT TODAY: Going to the meditation class and practising 'tuning in'
Posted by Liquorice Torpedoes at 12:37
Tuesday, 20 March 2007
Well, I had my 33rd birthday party on Saturday which was lots of fun. I managed not to get too drunk by mixing real cider with low alcohol and so my Sunday wasn't wasted too badly.
I made irish stew, irish soda bread and Empire biscuits (2 shortbread biscuits with jam in the middle and icing on the top including shamrock icing pictures). It all got eaten very quickly and seemed to be enjoyed by everyone.
I got to indulge my broodiness as my friends brought their very cute baby to see me beforehand. She was fascinated by the empire biscuits but being only 8 months old wasn't allowed one! I'm glad I ate one at this point as there were none left by the time I felt like eating one. One of my friends asked me if I was going to have one and when I said I wasn't hungry (having eaten quite a lot of icing) he replied that surely this made no difference! I'm slowly changing!
I also had a really good chat with one of my female friends who is rather plump and told her about intutive eating/Beyond Chocolate. She says that she doesn't like her body at all and I was trying to persuade her that she needs to. I'm not sure the message went in, which is a shame. She also says that it makes no difference what she eats, she still doesn't lose weight. I don't see how this can be possible. Personally I lose weight if I manage to stick to a diet, but my problem was that this simply never happened.
I really hope she thinks about what I was trying to tell her about intuitive eating and maybe starts re-considering the way she sees her body. I know she's unhappy.
It's hard though, as I don't want her to feel bad about herself.
SOMETHING POSITIVE ABOUT TODAY: Only having a small glass and a half of wine
TOMORROWS GOAL: Go to my 1st meditation class to try to tune in properly
Posted by Liquorice Torpedoes at 11:43
Friday, 16 March 2007
Yurgh, I'b dot a dold!
I'm off work today but feeling a bit better after a morning dozing on the sofa with the cat perched on my belly.
Exciting news, if you're a UK based person, Beyond Chocolate are having a teaparty. It should be loads of fun and my mum and sister may be coming too. http://www.beyondchocolate.co.uk/teaparty.htm
I'm half reading another book by Dr Whassname who did the Eating drinking overthinking one, called 'Women who think too much'. I got it from the library and again it's pretty good. It covers a lot of the same stuff.
It does have me wondering if I'm going to start trying to over-analysing everything too much. I must admit before BC I never took much notice of all the self-help books but now I've got loads!
Oh well, it suggests (again) stuff like journaling and meditation which works well with BC and intuitive eating.
Work's was okay yesterday and on my birthday, i actually got some decisions made about an exhibition we're going to at the end of April and feel a bit as if I'm making some progress. So I'm slightly less stomach churningly stressed about it, thank goodness.
I've rather lost my appetite this week what with work stress and colds and stuff but am now positively hungry. I'm going to make something nice and tasty for lunch now. Toodlepip!
Posted by Liquorice Torpedoes at 12:41
Wednesday, 14 March 2007
This book, by Susan Nolen-Hoeksema was about how many women get caught in a 'toxic triangle.' It really resonsated with me, the idea was that from childhood, we get told not to feel negative emotions 'if you can't say anything nice, say nothing' and taught to dwell on emotional issues with well-meaning questions about whether you want to talk about it.
According to her theory, whilst little boys are taught to do something practical about problems, little girls mustn't fight back. As adults we worry about perceived slights and endlessly dwell on things we've said or done. This makes us unhappy and we then eat or drink to avoid the horrible thoughts. It leads to this 'toxic triangle' and low level depression. Tackling one aspect isn't enough, you need to unpick all three issues.
It made quite a lot of sense to me. I personally am awful at 'worrying' at something I know i've done wrong, blowing it out of proportion, wanting to talk about the same thing again and again. It annoys me that I do it, but I find it hard to stop.
In fact, last night, I was doing exactly this, lying in bed, thinking about yesterday and where I went wrong, analysing what I could have done instead, worrying about today and so on.
She suggests 'mindfulness' techniques and relaxation as methods to let go of this negativity, which is why I thought I might try meditation. It also recommended journaling. To be honest an awful lot was exactly what I'm doing to try to achieve normal or intuitive eating.
Anyway, if you think this is that this is a problem in your life, the book is quite good. There were some practical solutions for changing, but I'm not sure how effective they'll be.
Posted by Liquorice Torpedoes at 13:28
33 today. I'm very childish and like my own birthday. I like the fuss and smiles, hugs and extra attention.
The 'issues' yesterday seem to be mostly resolved, I'll have to see what happens. I woke up in the middle of the night from a bad dream with my heart pounding in my chest. I then couldn't get back to sleep as I was dwelling on the way yesterday went. I kept telling myself to 'STOP' that I couldn't do anything about it and to put it out of my mind, but it wasn't happening.
I need to practice some relaxation techniques!
Still, I feel a bit brighter today and since it's my birthday I am feeling more positive about life in general, the sun is shining and I have a present to get when I go home. My nintendo wii isn't available yet, but I'm hoping it won't be too long.
Posted by Liquorice Torpedoes at 09:19
Tuesday, 13 March 2007
I'm not having a good day at work (this is becoming like a stuck record). I've accidentally sent on an email I shouldn't have to a customer from another customer. It was all going wrong last Friday and it's flared up again when I thought it was mostly sorted out.
Stuff like this makes me feel sick with anxiety. It's weird being obese and yet unable to eat when I'm really worried, in fact retching from the nervousness of it all.
I suppose I need to look at the poem I copied out below and 'welcome in' the 'misery' but it's really hard. I can recognise these feelings, but what do I do with them?
At least I don't want to eat!
Posted by Liquorice Torpedoes at 13:16
My SIL, Izzy sent me this poem as I was talking to her about Mindfulness. It's about welcoming your emotions whether they're positive or not, which is a big issue in learning intuitive eating. They recommend it before you study CBT mindfulness on Psychology courses (she's a Doctor in Psychology). Apparently it's also VERY old.
I'm looking into a meditation class too after being inspired by a very interesting book called 'Eating, drinking, overthinking.' I'll write about it later.
Anyway, I'll catch up later, I need to do some work again!
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
~ Rumi ~
(The Essential Rumi, versions by Coleman Barks)
Posted by Liquorice Torpedoes at 09:51
Friday, 9 March 2007
I emailed Sophie, my Beyond Chocolate fairy this week because I was wanting reassurance about the whole eating as much of a particular food as you want and always having it in the house. She said that the idea is to get to the stage where a food is just that, fuel for your body and has no emotional edge to it.
I realised that I might be getting to that point yesterday. I've run out of liquorice torpedoes but I couldn't be bothered to go and buy some more. This has got to be a bit of a breakthrough! That's now liquorice torpedoes, dark chocolate and 'interesting' ice cream that no longer excite me emotionally. I think next I'll look at minty, icing sugar things. In the past I've binged on icing sugar, I don't really do it anymore, but I don't particularly give myself permission to eat it either.
I also had a go at Astrid Longhurst's Anybody Can video workout yesterday. Nineties tastic! It was actually quite hilarious and a good workout apart from the awful music. I bought it because I liked her attitude and 'Body Confidence' book (which I recommend), but I'm not convinced totally by the workout. I think I might do it again and ignore the music, maybe put my own on the CD player. I couldn't be bothered going out bellydancing last night so this was my thing to do instead.
Oooh, exciting news is that I should get my nintendo wii quite soon. Gamestation (uk shop) lets you take orders for them and apparently there are only 10 people ahead of me. I'm hoping it'll be ready in time for my birthday, although I'll be lucky there.
It should encourage me to do something more interesting at home than watching tv in the evenings (dull) and actually move around. I'll review how I get on later.
Regarding being anxious, I read Karen K Koenig's chapter in her Food & Feelings workbook and found it helpful, particularly the point that other people can't make me feel guilty or anxious, I choose which emotions to acknowledge and react to.
Posted by Liquorice Torpedoes at 13:26
Typical. The meeting has been moved to 14th March (my birthday), but he's forgotten that he's in London that day. At this rate, he'll be too late to pressurise me into taking the resits as the deadline will have passed.
Will keep you all updated as to what happens, thanks for all your kind thoughts and suggestions.
Posted by Liquorice Torpedoes at 09:23
Wednesday, 7 March 2007
I've got a meeting Friday at 2pm with my boss. Arggh, I feel sick just thinking about it. My sister and SIL gave me some helpful advice about dealing with my boss if he's agressive or bullying, but I'm really anxious about it and finding it hard to concentrate.
On a lighter note, if you're keeping quiet something (like the intention of trying for a baby), don't put baby fertility books on your amazon wish list. It totally didn't occur to me and my SIL had guessed. I don't really mind as she's lovely but it did make me wonder at the way the world has changed!
Posted by Liquorice Torpedoes at 12:51
Tuesday, 6 March 2007
Well, I finally bit the bullet and sent off the email to my boss telling him I don't want to continue with the course.
I got a 'disappointed' email back from him saying that if I can't pass the qualification then they won't want me to be a marketing manager as obviously I wouldn't be able to cope with all the extra work.
Quite honestly, I don't even want to work in marketing at the moment and plan a complete career change when I'm able (ie off work on maternity pay). I'd love to tell him this, but there's no point since I'm not pregnant.
So I'm trapped. I'm going to stick to my guns as best as I can. I still believe I learnt what i needed to from the course, but I'm fed up of using my free time studying. I've already got a degree, a post grad in teaching and the lower level marketing qualification. I don't need to prove myself academically.
This is so hard as I'm awful at confrontations. We're having a formal meeting on friday when the HR lady will be there (which is great as she is actually nice).
Posted by Liquorice Torpedoes at 09:57
Monday, 5 March 2007
All this weekend I've been quite anxious about work and having failed my course.
Anyway, I noticed that I've been craving 'crunchy foods' stuff, like liquorice torpedoes and oddly carrots (which I had with guacomole and were lovely).
So I have a question for IEers. Does your mood affect the type of food you want to eat?
Crunchy = anxious, frustrated
Soft food (ice cream) = want to relax
Or am i going mad?
Posted by Liquorice Torpedoes at 12:22
Sunday, 4 March 2007
Lisa Jane recently said 'I think you need to become friends with your body and the fridge again BEFORE you can even think about losing weight.'
For me, this has been one of the hardest things to change about myself. I have a lot of fat and do want it to leave me but I have come to understand that I need to love my body before I'll want to eat things that make it more comfortable. That seems to be the key.
Astrid Longhurst's Body Confidence really helped me with this. I suddenly realised what I should have a long time ago, that I can't be disconnected from my body, it's part of me and my brain isn't separate from it. Weirdly it was before and I didn't really connect what I was eating or doing with the state of my own body. I knew it was connected, rationally, but hadn't internalised this at all.
I'm starting to. I haven't lost any weight yet, but I am feeling a bit happier about myself and it's weird, I actually am choosing to eat dried fruit instead of sweets because sometimes it tastes better and my body feels more energised afterwards.
I think I'm making progress. It's a long process this IE malarkey.
Posted by Liquorice Torpedoes at 12:47
Saturday, 3 March 2007
I thought I'd tell you about my disaster yesterday.I had a really crap day at work and decided that rather than overeating, when I got home last night I'd have a luscious bath with a lush bath bomb in and try to wash away the bad dayness.
First of all, I couldn't get the temperature right (too cold). Then, just when I was relaxing, the phone went. I considered leaving it, but got up, collected it, answered it (it was a friend), came back into the bathroom and slipped in a comedic but painful manner at the same time managing to turn off the light switch. I had the coversation then got in the bath. Finished off and started to wash my hair.
Then the phone rang, (typical). I ignored if for a bit and then thought, well I'll just finish off and dial 1571. It was my hubby. Grr. What a rubbish bath, so much for trying to relax, I just ended up bruised!!
Posted by Liquorice Torpedoes at 13:13
Thursday, 1 March 2007
As I've said before I've been reading 'The food and feelings workbook'. It's made me really start to think about how I experience (or ignore) emotions.
Katiepie really made me think in her post today
"I have discovered / realised that although I like to think I am a nice person, sometimes I am not. Sometimes I feel like being vindictive, being nasty, being a gossip, being annoying. And I don't like feeling like that. I have actually been shocked to realise some of the things that have been about to have come out of my mouth. I don't really like that part of me much! But at least now I'm being honest and admitting to myself that I am what I am, and it's ok. And it's ok to love myself, even though I'm not perfect."
Like a lot of people with weight problems, I've always felt pressurised into ignoring 'negative' emotions and 'blocking' aspects of my personality that I'm uncomfortable with. For example, I sometimes find it hard to forgive people who've hurt my feelings. Usually I don't hold a grudge, but I do get angry or upset, it just takes a lot before I tell someone how I'm feeling.
I try not to act like this but I wonder whether like Katiepie, not acknowledging this aspect of my personality is actually a bit of a problem? I'm usually described as 'nice' by people. I don't regard myself as a doormat but I do find it really hard to cope with other people being angry or agressive - I just sort of 'shut down' or block it out. I don't know how to react and start playing the peacemaker.
I'm sure it's partially due to being a catholic, where these feelings/actions are regarded as sinful and wrong and you're supposed to avoid these personality defects.
But perhaps always playing the peacemaker and seeing other people's perspectives isn't always a good thing. It means I don't always have an opinion about what I'm seeing.
I also identified with http://brookelyons.typepad.com/health/ when she talks about how 'getting fatter' signals to other people she's not coping or is unhappy. Yikes, I think I do that too. I don't want to ask for help or admit I'm not coping (it gets boring after a while) and instead eat more.
It's amazing what you learn from other people about yourself.
Posted by Liquorice Torpedoes at 13:03