More work angst

I've got a meeting Friday at 2pm with my boss. Arggh, I feel sick just thinking about it. My sister and SIL gave me some helpful advice about dealing with my boss if he's agressive or bullying, but I'm really anxious about it and finding it hard to concentrate.

On a lighter note, if you're keeping quiet something (like the intention of trying for a baby), don't put baby fertility books on your amazon wish list. It totally didn't occur to me and my SIL had guessed. I don't really mind as she's lovely but it did make me wonder at the way the world has changed!

helloo

Hello Kittenki, yet another blogger! http://kittenkihereandnow.blogspot.com/

scary meeting

Well, I finally bit the bullet and sent off the email to my boss telling him I don't want to continue with the course.

I got a 'disappointed' email back from him saying that if I can't pass the qualification then they won't want me to be a marketing manager as obviously I wouldn't be able to cope with all the extra work.

Quite honestly, I don't even want to work in marketing at the moment and plan a complete career change when I'm able (ie off work on maternity pay). I'd love to tell him this, but there's no point since I'm not pregnant.

So I'm trapped. I'm going to stick to my guns as best as I can. I still believe I learnt what i needed to from the course, but I'm fed up of using my free time studying. I've already got a degree, a post grad in teaching and the lower level marketing qualification. I don't need to prove myself academically.

This is so hard as I'm awful at confrontations. We're having a formal meeting on friday when the HR lady will be there (which is great as she is actually nice).

crunchy food for anxiety

All this weekend I've been quite anxious about work and having failed my course.

Anyway, I noticed that I've been craving 'crunchy foods' stuff, like liquorice torpedoes and oddly carrots (which I had with guacomole and were lovely).

So I have a question for IEers. Does your mood affect the type of food you want to eat?

e.g
Crunchy = anxious, frustrated
Soft food (ice cream) = want to relax

Or am i going mad?

Becoming friends with my body

Lisa Jane recently said 'I think you need to become friends with your body and the fridge again BEFORE you can even think about losing weight.'

For me, this has been one of the hardest things to change about myself. I have a lot of fat and do want it to leave me but I have come to understand that I need to love my body before I'll want to eat things that make it more comfortable. That seems to be the key.

Astrid Longhurst's Body Confidence really helped me with this. I suddenly realised what I should have a long time ago, that I can't be disconnected from my body, it's part of me and my brain isn't separate from it. Weirdly it was before and I didn't really connect what I was eating or doing with the state of my own body. I knew it was connected, rationally, but hadn't internalised this at all.

I'm starting to. I haven't lost any weight yet, but I am feeling a bit happier about myself and it's weird, I actually am choosing to eat dried fruit instead of sweets because sometimes it tastes better and my body feels more energised afterwards.

I think I'm making progress. It's a long process this IE malarkey.

Rubbish bath

I thought I'd tell you about my disaster yesterday.I had a really crap day at work and decided that rather than overeating, when I got home last night I'd have a luscious bath with a lush bath bomb in and try to wash away the bad dayness.

First of all, I couldn't get the temperature right (too cold). Then, just when I was relaxing, the phone went. I considered leaving it, but got up, collected it, answered it (it was a friend), came back into the bathroom and slipped in a comedic but painful manner at the same time managing to turn off the light switch. I had the coversation then got in the bath. Finished off and started to wash my hair.

Then the phone rang, (typical). I ignored if for a bit and then thought, well I'll just finish off and dial 1571. It was my hubby. Grr. What a rubbish bath, so much for trying to relax, I just ended up bruised!!

Emotions & personality

As I've said before I've been reading 'The food and feelings workbook'. It's made me really start to think about how I experience (or ignore) emotions.

Katiepie really made me think in her post today
"I have discovered / realised that although I like to think I am a nice person, sometimes I am not. Sometimes I feel like being vindictive, being nasty, being a gossip, being annoying. And I don't like feeling like that. I have actually been shocked to realise some of the things that have been about to have come out of my mouth. I don't really like that part of me much! But at least now I'm being honest and admitting to myself that I am what I am, and it's ok. And it's ok to love myself, even though I'm not perfect."

Like a lot of people with weight problems, I've always felt pressurised into ignoring 'negative' emotions and 'blocking' aspects of my personality that I'm uncomfortable with. For example, I sometimes find it hard to forgive people who've hurt my feelings. Usually I don't hold a grudge, but I do get angry or upset, it just takes a lot before I tell someone how I'm feeling.

I try not to act like this but I wonder whether like Katiepie, not acknowledging this aspect of my personality is actually a bit of a problem? I'm usually described as 'nice' by people. I don't regard myself as a doormat but I do find it really hard to cope with other people being angry or agressive - I just sort of 'shut down' or block it out. I don't know how to react and start playing the peacemaker.

I'm sure it's partially due to being a catholic, where these feelings/actions are regarded as sinful and wrong and you're supposed to avoid these personality defects.

But perhaps always playing the peacemaker and seeing other people's perspectives isn't always a good thing. It means I don't always have an opinion about what I'm seeing.

I also identified with http://brookelyons.typepad.com/health/ when she talks about how 'getting fatter' signals to other people she's not coping or is unhappy. Yikes, I think I do that too. I don't want to ask for help or admit I'm not coping (it gets boring after a while) and instead eat more.

It's amazing what you learn from other people about yourself.