Learning from my baby

It's fascinating seeing the little new life unfolding and developing in front of my eyes. It's teaching me about eating and being. Rosie demands food and can be hungry half an hour after her last meal and as far as she's concerned that's that. She won't wait, she wants it immediately (unfortunately). Demand feeding seems to be me to be intuitive eating.

She's so happy afterwards, full and satisfied. Rosie lives fully in the 'now' she can't understand why she's uncomfortable or watch it slowly build up, it's an immediate problem.

We had a difficult morning because she seemed to be feeding very frequently and I couldn't work out why she was fussing and crying. Usually I get to sleep between 6am when DH feeds her and 10am(ish) when she demands more food. This time around she had two further feeds before settling down and letting me have my sleep between about 10.30 and midday.

Now of course, she's sleeping soundly in her pappoose. And I've managed to eat which is a relief as I was getting ratty.

I had my acceptance letter from BC this morning along with a card and some chocolates. My auntie in Canada has created the most beautiful patchwork baby quilt so my day got better at lunchtime due to the thoughtfulness of others.

on my own

I'm still struggling on with breastfeeding. I've tried the La Leche league (got advice but no visit), the Association of Breastfeeding mum (ditto) and NCT - have a number but no one's there, and Breast buddies - left a message but no response. It's rather frustrating that there's all this theoretical help but not so much in practice.

However, I've had a minor breakthrough today. I tried a different sort of nipple shield and she latched on and ate. Prior to that, she'd latched on without it and had a little bit so she does still know what to do. I think I'm just going to have to be patient.

More positively, I weighed myself out of curiosity this morning and have lost a stone and a half in the last 4 weeks without trying to at all. I'm going to have to watch that I'm eating properly as I'm aware that Rosie is so demanding that I miss breakfast and am probably eating less that I ought to since I'm still expressing/theoretically breastfeeding.

Also, I've managed to get out of the house twice! Once on monday to the surestart centre where I went to a breastfeeding clinic which was helpful (i realised I've been forcing Rosie's head towards me which she doesn't like) and her baby weighing clinic - she's now back to her birth weight which is great news.

Today I made it into town where she was admired by everyone who saw her for her tinyness. We went to Costa Coffee where she got cuddles from a little group of ladies, whilst I drank a hot chocolate and then had her bottle fed to her by one of them who has had 6 children of her own! It was great to get out of the house and I'm feeling more confident about being on my own.

Ups and downs

I'm still struggling with breastfeeding Rosie. I think I've cracked it, then it all goes wrong again, repeat and rinse. I was all ready to give up again with another full day of trials and tears and this afternoon it's been okay again.

Anyway, I'm hopefully getting professional help over the next few days. I can cope with her falling asleep at the breast (just!) but not the yelling and screaming (she gets v distressed) or being afraid she's not eating enough. So it needs to get sorted out.

I've never been so emotional in my life and never cried so much. I've also never felt happier, it's so up and down. Food is less interesting than normal, to be honest, remembering to eat is more of an issue than overeating, although I am still enjoying the medical orders to eat cake and have been eating plenty of xmas cake!

I really need to start doing a bit more as I've been going a little stir-crazy being stuck at home (still can't drive). This week will be a bit of a test as I'm on my own so I'll have to find out how I cope without help. I'll let you know...

Emotional rollercoaster

Well, Rosie is now 3 weeks old. It's been a real emotional rollercoaster and I haven't been online for ages.

I thought the feeding was all going okay so got a bit of a horrible shock whenRosie got admitted to hospital last Friday because she'd lost more than 10% of her bodyweight - she went from 6lbs 15oz to 6lbs 6oz and then down to 6lbs 2oz. We got told we needed to supplement her feeding with formula and expressed milk using a bottle.

She's now back up to 6lbs 9oz but for the last few feeds has been refusing to breastfeed and screaming hysterically. I'm sure the fact that she has a cold isn't helping but we think she may also have nipple confusion as she's been getting food the easy way via a bottle as well as from me.

It's all getting very stressful, I'm trying not to take it personally but it's hard not to. I'm trying to keep having snuggly time with her as well as fighting to get her to eat. I never realised it would be so hard and am quite down about it all but haven't (quite) given in yet.