I'm back!

Baby Rosemary Ann was born at 11.23 on 12/12 by C-section weighing 6lbs 15oz. We're both okay now, although I struggled with breastfeeding at first. However with the help of a nipple shield we seem to have cracked it!

Basically pretty emotional in hospital (I'm not sure I want to watch Holby/Casualty any more) but has gradually got better at home until I'm now almost relaxed.

She wasn't feeding very well which was what was stressing me out. However, she's now got the idea (mostly) and I'm under medical orders to eat pie and cake - for the first time in my life mum force fed me cake! And guess, what, I don't want to! BC is right!!!

Rosie's gorgeous and v cuddly but also v sleepy as has mild jaundice. She seems to be eating okay now as she got weighed yesterday and hadn't lost the ten percent they're allowed to in the first week.

I'm very tired but happy. The first batch of pics are here http://www.richandal.co.uk/photos/Rosie-4days/ - she looks less like a gnome in reality.

bliss

Mmm, that was a blissful two hours - apart from the bikini line wax!

My pregnancy massage was SUCH a good idea, I feel truly pampered and relaxed and I think it's an afternoon I'll remember enjoying my bump and being pregnant.

At the moment, I'm really happy with my life, I've (mostly) loved being pregnant and really relaxed around food. I'm happy being married to Rich who cherishes and looks after me. I think the only area of my life that could be improved is my career and I'm going to be slowly doing something about that by becoming a Fairy and in the meantime I get to enjoy our new baby so don't really have to worry about working for another 8 months or so.

I still need to work on food - I know I overeat sometimes, but I'd like to see whether this is less of an issue when I'm not pregnant or breastfeeding. Having had the opportunity to eat what I want, crave food and be a bit faddy, I feel more comfortable with knowing what I want to eat. I'm more comfortable in my skin as well, in spite of having new stretchmarks, I can wear them as a badge of mummy pride - it's not as if I wear a bikini anyway!

I'll be updating this when I'm out of hospital or possibly using Patientline so don't worry I'll let you all know!

Tired

I don't think I'm going to go bellydancing tonight - we'll see, but I feel quite restricted in movement and not enough like a goddess. My tummy skin is all taut and I don't want to do a lot more than sleep - the baby seems to feel the same as I've still not had much movement.

Agh, just realised the fisherman's trousers I've been wearing since my skirt doesn't fit is in the washing machine. I guess that makes the decision!

I stood looking in the mirror the other night, taking in my new shape, the curve of my abdomen, which now shows the way the baby lies and the changes in my breasts. It was quite odd, as I look really large but I can see beauty in my shape as well as slight amusement at the vastness of my stomach.

Weirdly, I'm going to miss the bump when it's gone and the specialness I've felt at being pregnant. I've just got used to the idea that 'growing' is okay.

Quite comfy thank you

I was in for my final monitoring and bloods this morning. Baby's still quite happy in there, heart beating away. It's not been moving very much today so I'm glad I have had it checked as part of monitoring or I'd be worrying somewhat.

I've been to the library to get some more books out ready for being stuck in hospital. This afternoon I'm going to look up a nice recipe for Christmas cake - I know I'm late sorting it out but I've just not got round to it and for the first time ever my mum isn't making a cake so if I want one I'll have to cook it!

Other than that, I think we're ready. It'll be strange not having Rich to myself and having an extra body to cuddle at weekend mornings and less time to ourselves but I'm sure we'll manage.

waiting for baby

Well, so far the baby seems to be quite happy inside. I've had two lots of monitoring, one on Thursday night (11.30-3.00am) when I thought I might be getting contractions and one yesterday, which had been scheduled in.

Apparently it's a very active baby. Infact, the reason I thought I might be getting contractions on Thursday was because the little blighter was moving so much it was irritating my uterus! Still, an active baby is a healthy one (apparently), so I'm comforted by this.

I've also decided to have a pregnancy massage on Tuesday with some of the money I'll be saving from not having my waterbirth. This is primarily to relax myself before the scary c-section but at the same time I may (subject to how brave I'm feeling) get a bikini wax/tidy up and eyebrow shape. I'm treating myself rather than eating and quite proud I've been able to do this.

So this is our last weekend as a couple, next weekend there'll be three. It's all very exciting and we're desperately racking our brains about what 'kit' we might be missing. The nursery is ready, we have plenty of little vests/all in ones and will be buying gender specific stuff when our baby arrives.

We're going to see Beowulf at the cinema today as I'm concerned that I may not be at the cinema for a while. I've also been to see Stardust (v good), Elizabeth (enjoyable) and The Golden Compass (even better) in the last month. So I'm fully up to date with all the films I want to watch.

baby update

Well, they couldn't do the ECV as there's not enough amniotic fluid so it's less likely to turn around. Sadly seems the end of homebirthing plan.I've to go in for monitoring on Friday and again on monday and then on Wednesday 12th (when I'm about 39 weeks) they'll be doing a c-section. Yikes.

The monitoring is in case the baby shows signs of distress as a lack of amniotic fluid isn't good. I'm a bit upset and disappointed, although I know there are some advantages to c-sections. I'm a bit nervous of hospitals (never been in one overnight) and get a bit paranoid they'll comment on my weight.

I've been noticing my feelings which are very mixed and mostly a bit sad and trying to accept them rather than ignoring them or eating! It all feels a bit raw and I may write to my body again as I think it's disappointed that it all worked ok and I've been over ruled by science!

However, there are advantages to this new plan, namely that I know when the baby's going to come out (unless I go into labour before wednesday or the baby shows signs of distress on friday/monday).

I can mentally prepare myself and am getting over the fact I won't get my own way with this birth. I'll be okay. So all in all, yesterday was a bit fraught.

good news bad news

The good news is I'm on the course too - or at least have a place saved for 2009! I'm really pleased as I was concerned for a while as Sophie wanted to discuss some stuff with me but all is good.

The slightly less good news is the baby is breech again! So tomorrow I'm having the ECV baby turning thingy. I've got my hospital bag ready as there is the risk of going into labour but if this happens I'm 37 +5 so the baby should be ready to come out.

Some thoughts on food

I've been reading through 'The Diet Survivor's Handbook' which has some good little gems of wisdom. I've realised that I may have been overeating chocolate at work because I didn't have any at home. It's one to realise for the future I think as I'm not that bothered about eating it at the moment.

Also, I listened to the guru club teleconference on pleasure and enjoyment on Friday which really made me think about the guilt I sometimes have around food and the choices I make. When I went to SW and could get it to work for me (which it hasn't for ages), the bit that really helped was the idea of making positive choices rather than restricting myself. They called this choicepower.

Sophie was talking about this in the teleconference and I was sitting there nodding to myself. She was saying that making healthy food choices is about taking care of yourself but only when it's actually a choice and not a restriction. It's really hard to differentiate between these two I think, but changes whether the food we're eating is a positive decision or a negative one.

On the other hand we do it all the time. For example, at the moment I am choosing not to eat blue cheese because of my pregnancy. It is slightly a restriction, but I don't feel resentful about it, it's okay because I want to have a healthy baby.

The other thoughts I had were to do with legalising 'healthy' foods. It seems silly, but I know that I can sometimes avoid yoghurts and fruit even although I like them because I don't like feeling that I should be eating them.

a waiting game

I'm still waiting, both for my BC letter and for the baby to decide to come out! The former was due to arrive Friday/today so I've done something about it.

I've emailed Office Fairy Clare (didn't have courage to ring) to ask for an email copy of the letter or a yes/no so will let you know what response I get.

Last week my sister was visiting -it was lovely to have the company. We didn't do loads as she was only here Tuesday evening to Friday lunch but did make it to the Manchester xmas market and the cinema to see 'The Dark is Rising' which is now ranked as my most diapppointing film ever.

Babywise we now have everything we can think of that we might need except for a nappy bucket so it's really just a waiting game.

things and stuff!

Well all the good vibes may have helped with the breech! I had my midwife's appt yesterday (and she brought the birthing bag) and she thinks that the baby is now head down. I'm going for the scan on monday to double check but she thinks it's okay.

The interview didn't go very well. I'm waiting to see what happens but got a bit tongue tied (very very unusual for me!!) and afterwards was really annoyed with myself as I could have answered the questions a lot better. The first one I didn't talk enough about where I am now, the 2nd personal question which was 'but don't the experts know best' I froze half-way through and couldn't think what to say. I just felt really tired and hormonal! I didn't sleep well the night before and had lots of bad dreams which didn't help.

I really don't know, I still want to do it but will need to see whether I've got on the course. If necessary I suppose that I could re-apply and try again for the following year, since I wanted a deferred place anyway.

Ooh exciting things

Thanks for the advice about the statements about the fat/thin me- I'll have to find the bit in the books about it. I re-did the talking to my fat which threw up some interesting bits about the way I was feeling. I felt a little soothed afterwards.

So, various bits of news. The baby is STILL breech. Next Wednesday, my very nice midwife is going to bring the home birthing kit around (we're staying positive about little one turning). If it's still breech then, I'm going to try moxibustion acupuncture which anecdotally may persuade it to turn. If I'm still breech on the monday they're going to try to turn the baby at the hospital. So it has just over a week to turn itself around - please send turny vibes!!

Apparently the ECV turny thing can set off labour or increase the risk of an immediate c-section, so it's even possible that the baby would come that day. I'll have my hubby there just in case.

I'm off to London this afternoon for my Chocolate Fairy group interview. If I get on the course I'll be deferring my place til 2009 as leaving a 3 month old (hopefully nursing baby) for a week long residential isn't going to be practical. I really want to commit to the course though and I know that I will get anxious about the cost and have second thoughts if I don't just go ahead.

I'm a bit anxious about the interview - looking smart at 36 weeks pregnant may be a little challenging and I won't be wearing a suit! I've never had a group interview before (except once for a really high powered job that I didn't get and was a total disaster as I couldn't think of anything to say - an unusual occurrence to be honest!)

My parents are going to lend me some of the money and by the time the course starts I'm hoping to be working part time so will get out a loan for the remainder or be incredibly frugal and save some money up (yeah right!)

Losing weight

What Mousie (http://www.neverhungryalwayshungry.blogspot.com/) said on the BC forum about losing weight and then eating more because you're losing weight, really resonated with me. I've done that so many times!

So what am I going to do this time around. Having had a sneaky peak at the scales I'm still pretty much where I started at the beginning of this pregnancy which means that in real terms I'll have lost about 2stone when I actually give birth.

That thought is exciting to me but also quite frightening - it's something us fat girls all dream of, waking up several stones lighter. But how am I going to cope emotionally, am I going to put it all back on again and more? How can I stop this from happening? Will my clothes all be too big after I've given birth - even my normal ones and how will I manage to buy new ones when I'm not working?

Oh dear, another thing to think about. Does anyone have any suggestions/advice about how I can deal with this?

Food during the baby holiday

So, I now have the opportunity to really tune in and think about what I want to eat and whether I am actually hungry. I really need to try and get snacking under control, I know that I eat my feelings like so many other people doing BC and learning intutive eating.

Yesterday, after hearing about the baby being the wrong way i ate chocolate and tablet from Thorntons - not so much that I was left feeling sick (and I actually was a bit hungry), on the other hand, this was not a healthy snack that will nourish me or the foetus.

My sweet tooth seems to be in the ascendance and I know that I need to try to choose fruit as well as sugary snacks.

Weightwise, I'm still fairly happy as I'm now about 5lbs above the weight I was at the doctors when I first found out I was pregnant. Since the baby itself easily weighs 4lb, and this excludes all ancillary services I can feel comfortable that I'm not gaining weight too quickly and will hopefully have lost weight after the birth. This is quite surprising as I'm really not denying myself any food.

baby holiday

Firstly, thanks for all of your lovely comments :)

So, I'm on day 2 of my baby holiday. I had a productive weekend. We bought a high chair (bit premature but saw a good one at a good price), a vax hoover that washes carpets and various other baby paraphernalia.

Saturday night we went to a dangerous fireworks party which had added danger due to one of my friends being a sealed nutter (re-enact0r) and having 1/2 lb of gunpowder. How they can trust him with guns I do NOT know. Anyway, it was amusing rather than chronically dangerous but I stayed indoors just in case the bang was really big!

I was also talking to some friends about BC and training and they were putting doubts in my mind about whether I'll be able to make the money back afterwards. I think I can, I really believe that people doing the course have grown as individuals and in their relationship with food, but I hope that the payback element is discussed in the interview - must make sure I ask lots of questions!

Sunday we went out for dinner (not sure how frequently this'll happen in the future so thought we ought to make the most of it) and scrubbed the baby's room.

Yesterday, I had a midwife's appt (am now nearly 34 weeks). It was supposed to be on Friday but got changed. And the bad news is that the baby is now in a breech position! Oh dear. I've got to go back in a fortnight to see if it's turned around and if not, I'll be going for a scan to check its position. After that their was a Parentcraft class talking about pain relief in labour (gulp) and then I thought perhaps I ought to try and get one of those exercise balls to encourage naughty baby back into position. After this very busy day I went bellydancing and slept rather well!

Today I've been staying in waiting for a cotbed and changing unit. I've also stencilled two of the walls in the nursery with princesses, dragons and castles. It looks rather cool, even if I say so myself.

work and being a Fairy

Well the good news is that I've been invited to a group interview. I've not really had one of these before so I'm a bit anxious about how it'll work. Also I won't have a suit to wear as on 24th November I'll be 8 months pregnant (due 20th December!).

But I'll look forward to going, it should be an interesting day.

I have 2.5 days of work left. It's a bit stressful at the moment as I'm preparing for an exhibition that happens on the monday after I leave. I'm hoping that screens and graphics will all arrive today (so far they're all late) and getting a bit panicky about them arriving. I hate people who say they'll sort something out and then let you down - it's so annoying!!!

Inside I'm all churned up and I've got a tension headache. Anyway I'm going to go and have some soup for lunch (didn't fancy much) and have a fruit and yoghurt later. But soon it won't be my problem and I'll be able to relax.

Becoming a Beyond Chocolate Fairy

I've FINALLY got around to sending in my application for the course. Hopefully it's all okay, I struggled with how much to amend my CV so in the end have only updated it a little. I'm assuming that the letter of application will be the important bit anyway.

So now I have to wait and see if I get an interview and when it will be. If I get on the course I'm deferring for a year - a weeklong residential course isn't practical with a 3 month old baby but I wanted to apply because I've put it off twice already and I'll feel happier knowing (hopefully) that it really will be happening.

It's something I've wanted to do since starting the e-course, I aways fancied being a WW or SW leader and BC is so much better!

One week to go

I now have one week to go until maternity leave and I'm so looking forward to it. The last fortnight has been a bit harder as I'm getting tired. The dark mornings don't help either, it's so hard getting out of bed when it still seems to be night time.

I'm still being a hungry person which I'm blaming on the baby growing lots at the moment. I'm fairly sure I've put on weight but haven't really been checking as I don't want to get frightened of it. I've got cereal bars which I'm trying to eat instead of chocolate.

At the last guru club teleconference I realised that whilst I'm doing well at tuning in/eating consciously during mealtimes, it's the snacking that is my manifestation of overeating. I promised I'd try to tune in more frequently and have been putting outlook alerts on my computer to remind me.

I often find that emotionally I feel fairly neutral. Whilst at work there're tinges of anger and anxiety depending on what's going on. Is this something you've noticed too? Or am I just not that good at identifying my feelings?

Angst and axiety

Last night I lay in bed worrying. This is a habit I've successfully broken since there's not much point getting anxious rather than sleeping.

I'd had a bad dream about teaching - I was a teacher for about 6 months (Secondary English) 11 years ago but left before i had a nervous breakdown! It was awful, I couldn't get the kids to do what I wanted and ended up in tears by my 11am break most days.

Anyway, the dream was about being a new teacher and facing the kids again.

Afterwards I lay there wondering what I'm going to do with my life, worrying that I won't be able to balance babies, work and about finding a job that I want to do that is part time and pays enough to be worthwhile. I don't think I want to stay in the job I'm doing now (marketing) but don't know what I want to do instead.

I'm still planning on applying to be a chocolate fairy (need to get a wriggle on), and defer my entry for a year since the baby would only be 3 months old when I'd have to be at a residential centre, but that still requires me to have a part time job.

So, i just lay there, getting progressively more anxious, until I managed to tell myself that the middle of the night is not a good time to work out life's problems and that I have 9 months to decide what I want to do.

silly girl

Foolishly at lunchtime after eating a very yummy fruit bowl I decided that I wasn't hungry and would wait a bit before eating my stew.

Now it's 4.15pm and after 2 bars of chocolate I'm still hungry and feel a bit wobbly. But I can't go and eat because I'm at work. I think I'll have to wait til I get home and eat some cereal or something similar then.

So this is when waiting for my hunger just isn't very compatible with being pregnant! :(

stating my needs

I had my 30 week midwife appt on Friday afternoon. All is well, the baby has turned so is head down, my blood pressure was okay, no probs with sugar/protein in urine etc. I'm still measuring slightly large +2cm too much, but this is within the margin of error so no problem (and my original due date was 10 days further forward!).

I had a nice, non-stressful weekend with my mum up visiting. I now have to sit down quite a lot when we're out as I get tired quite easily. We visited Little Moreton Hall, a 16th century national trust house which was very interesting but I made good use of the window seats!

I was quite pleased with myself in terms of improving my assertiveness. Lots of my friends went out on Friday on a girl's night out and for some reason I wasn't invited. Anway, I called one of my friends (who was doing the organising) and asked if I could be included in the future as I want to stay involved in our circle of friends in spite of the baby. I couldn't have gone this friday anyway, but it's good to be asked and know what's going on!

Poor TJ, my friend, left a very apologetic phone message and it looks as if it was an oversight. I just don't want to get left out over the next year as I'm sure I'm going to need my friends more than normal! I'm glad I told her though as I could have just felt hurt and unloved and drifted apart from girls I've been friends with for a long time.

Kicky baby

Aww, DH was cuddling up to me the other night and he says that I was sound asleep but the baby was kicking his arm quite hard. He really liked lying there feeling our little one moving around. My bump is getting quite big now and the baby kicks quite enthusiastically at times.

I've got my 30 week midwife appt tomorrow afternoon. My mum's coming up to visit this weekend so I've delayed my appt by a week so she'll get to hear the heartbeat. Hopefully all is well as I don't want my mum to worry if my blood pressure has increased or there are any problems. I don't think there are any, but much as I love my mum she can be quite interfering!

I'm not sure what we'll be doing this weekend, DH is going to a beer festival, but mum and I won't be going. Probably shopping, after all that's what us girlies enjoy when we've dumped our men!

Food wise, I'm still hungrier than normal, I'm actually managing to finish my food! This month I'm trying to focus on 'conscious eating'. I'm quite good at sitting down at a table and eating without the tv on (most of the time at least). The least conscious eating I do is at lunchtime when I tend to read whatever magazines are lying around or snacking at my desk. So over the next week I will try to eat one snack away from my desk in the kitchen and take 3 mins to sit and savour whatever I'm eating rather than hoover it whilst surfing the web or reading my emails!

Growth spurt

Lesley asked me if I think the baby's having a growth spurt and whether that might also account for my extra hunger.

I'm almost certain this is the case as I know it's packing on the fat for the next 2 months (literally) so me wanting extra cakes and fat is probably not unusual. And, as I mentioned I'm definitely hungrier this week. In fact, I managed to eat 2/3 of the full plate of food that DH gave me last night instead of the usual 1/3 so I actually had about the same amount as him.

I have to admit I've been attracted to sweet stuff far more than I had been prior to being pregnant. I'm hoping that this will be less of an issue once the baby's out.

I couldn't believe how quickly I'd got into the diet mentality again - it was quite sobering but I was quite relieved to realise that something had been subconsciously triggering my overeating of cake! The nice thing was that in spite of eating 2 cakes and a sandwich for lunch yesterday(!), which had me groaning about my fullness, it meant I wasn't starving when I went to aquanatal (about the right level of full) and ready for dinner at 8.30pm and actually hungry again!

Perhaps I just need to eat a bit extra on Thursdays to keep me going (though possibly not cake!)

A sudden dawning

I was wondering why I'm so attracted to sweet stuff at the moment (even more than normal) and then realised it's because of my glucose tolerance test. It seems all is well (so hopefully I'll get back to normal), but I realised that I was eating sugar in case I would be told I can't when the test came back.

Now I need to get my head back in the 'you can eat it if you want it, but you could also eat it later' place that I was in previously.

I'm also hungrier than I've been for a while, so I don't think that's helping. ;)

whoops, where does time go?

I can't believe it's been a whole month since I wrote in my blog. I'm now 29 weeks (well tomorrow) and my baby bump is big. I'm becoming a bit more unweildy, like when you had a growth spurt as a kid and forget my size.

I'm also hungrier than I have been for a while and am managing all of my food at mealtimes quite easily - I'm claiming the baby has had a growth spurt. I've had a peek on the scales and I now weigh about 2lbs less than when I started so have put on about 8 of the 10lbs I lost. I'm fairly happy with that, as I'm sure most of it can be accounted for by placenta, fluid and baby!

I had my glucose tolerance test at the end of last week and since I've heard nothing back, am assuming it's good news if I don't have a letter this evening. I'm glad, as not being able to drink booze, eat peanuts or sugar would be very depressing!

I seem to be craving milk at the moment, I never thought I'd say that, but have been getting through quite a lot each day. I suddenly just felt like having ready brek (porridge) for breakfast and have been fancying either ice cream or hot chocolate depending on the weather.

I feel as if I'm eating too much chocolate at work and have started taking in frusli bars to try to have an alternative when I'm peckish. I think it'll be a bit easier when I'm at home to have yoghurts etc.

Being pregnant is starting to feel particularly tiring. Only 4 weeks to go and my maternity leave starts and I can't wait. I know that I'll be more tired when the baby's here, but at least I'll be at home and not trying to concentrate on work when I'm not in the mood.

Oh, and my morning sickness has come back - the last two mornings! I have no idea why, but it's unpleasant. Still, nearly on the home stretch now!

Thinking about forbidden foods & healthy eating...

I think this is one of the most interesting aspects of intutive eating - how to strike a balance. I don't think I have many/any forbidden foods left though I still can't have enough ice cream (but I've decided it's a pregnancy craving for calcium).

It feels difficult to move from knowing what our bodies need to eat for a balanced diet to actually doing it without it becoming rules or a diet and also to 'just get on with it'.Really removing the pressure to lose weight has been an eye opener, I've felt that I should lose weight from about the age of 12 (how sad is that!), as this really gives you the freedom to eat whatever you want.

Surprisingly, I find this includes fruit and veg as well as biscuits, chocolate and ice cream but still slightly worry that there's too much fat in my diet.However, since I still weigh less than at the start of my pregnancy (I know this might change in the last trimester).

I suppose I must be fairly balanced, I try to have 5 fruit or veg a day (approx) and plenty of milk and then whatever else I eat is a random mix of carbs, sugar, fat and protein. One thing I've found very interesting is that now that I feel the baby kicking the number of movements really increase when I eat something sugary or just before a mealtime. It brings home to me the fact that my blood sugar level must be doing something even when I don't notice it.

I've also really noticed that some days I am hungry and others I need far less - just a few mouthfuls to feel satisfied. The amount I actually eat at mealtimes is far smaller than my husband or even a lot of other friends. But I do 'graze' more than them.

It'll be interesting when the baby's out what my body does, whether I'll have inadvertently lost some weight (which I admit would be nice) and whether breastfeeding helps me lose weight, I don't intend to diet.

weekend

I've had a nice weekend - friday I went to see Much Ado About Nothing at Tatton Park performed by the Illyria outdoor theatre company. As I expected they were very funny. There are 5 of them performing all the parts with just some basic props and a stage with a balcony and stairs. Whilst the language takes a little concentration, they are expressive enough and excellent actors so you 'get' the humour even if you don't manage to take in all the words. (And I'm an English graduate so should really manage to follow the play!)

Saturday I went shopping for another pair of maternity trousers. I got some from Dorothy Perkins with side elastic that you let out. Hmm, I got a size 20 and think I should have got a size bigger, but they didn't have any there and I couldn't be bothered to go to Evans. They fit, but aren't massively comfy.

Saturday night we had friends around for DH's birthday. It was a bit disappointing as only 3 turned up and we were expecting more. Poor Rich bought lots of nibbles so we have loads of pringles left. Lots of people are on holiday so I think he's managed not to feel too unloved.

Sunday I had my first life coaching session with a lady who is a stage ahead of me doing the same life coaching course where you need people to practise on. She offered on the babycentre website (having a december baby too). We had a really good chat and she's given me some ideas about possible ways to finance becoming a chocolate fairy. I need to think about it some more and flesh them out but there may be a way.

Sunday evening I finished my 3rd assignment for the course (finally). I'm not convinced it's perfect, but it'll do for now and I'll see what feedback I get and what needs to be amended.

Funnily enough, I felt quite bingey on sunday night and ate icing sugar with some peppermint essence. I stayed very aware asking myself why I wanted to eat something so sweet and noticed what I was doing, staying very present in the moment and noticing the sweetness. I found I was angry and worrying about my brother who's got mental health problems at the moment and that I was feeling resentful that he is getting a lot of attention, just like he used to do when we were children. I think it gave me a bit of insight into why I overate as a child as my brother got a lot of attention for being different (I'm the eldest and he's two years younger). I was mostly a 'good' girl who was clever at school, sociable etc and the only problem I had was my eating. Hmm, that's something to think about - I remember there was a sense of rebellion there.
It was odd to notice what I was feeling whilst I was overeating (actually I didn't have very much) and afterwards the anxiety and anger resided and I could see that the emotions aren't very helpful nowadays as an adult. But noticing and naming them helped.

update

Well lazy baby hadn't moved at all and is sitting quite comfortably, bottom down in a breech position. Oh well. I have to go back next Friday morning to try again.

I feel a bit better today, I went home last night and went straight to bed, got up to eat at 8pm and went back to bed again til I woke this morning at 6.30. Thanks for the suggestion Lesley, I don't think I'm anaemic, they checked at 10 weeks, when they did my bloods and also have iron in my pregnancy vits but I will ask my mw when I see her in a couple of weeks if she can re-check.

Chip off the old block and a bit of a moan

I've recently realised that I get kicked just before mealtimes. How funny is that! So now my baby tells me when it thinks I should be hungry. I'm being kicked at about 8am, 10.30/11am, 1pm, 3.30pm and 6.30pm! If I don't eat (for whatever reason), the kicks increase in intensity until I give in and get something.

I'm soo tired this week. I don't know if sprout is having a growth spurt or what but what I really want is a day off so I can relax and sleep. I had a rotten day yesterday, my manager (who is sometimes a bit of a d*ck, swore at me in front of our telemarketing company on a conference call when I hadn't done anything wrong (just done what our CEO had told me to do).

Also, my brother (the one we think probably has Asperger's syndrome, is depressed and we generally worry about his mental health) and said that I wasn't to be upset if he didn't answer the phone when I ring him as he wanted to spend more time on his own. Bearing in mind that IF he answers the phone I talk to him for approx 5 mins at a time once a week (maybe twice), I was rather annoyed by this.

I later found out that he's had visits from mental health workers (either community social work team or MIND, the mental health charity) and we don't know, but it sounds as if he's finally going to get help. So I may have over-reacted.

The day got a bit better as my mum has bought a load of baby clothes from Marks & Spencers and it had turned up yesterday afternoon. I got to put away tiny newborn babygrows and teeny little socks - aw so cute!!

I hope this hormonal/tired period lifts as I hate feeling like this and having to carry on as normal. :-(

I also read an article yesterday about how what you eat whilst your pregnant may make your child more inclined to be fat. This rather depressed me. I'm still craving sweet stuff. To be fair, I'm eating dried fruit too, but I fairly frequently eat biscuits or chocolate. The research was done by a vet on rats, so I'm hoping its only applicable to them, hope I'm not storing up trouble later. On the other hand, I still haven't really put on much weight (if any), so I can't be particularly over-eating. I don't know.

21 week scan

Here's the picture back from the 12 week scan - now I've worked out how to upload it. :) DH 'tweaked the settings to try to get a better view of the baby.



















And below are the ones from my 21 week scan yesterday. Everything seems fine except naughty baby would NOT roll over, so I have to return on Friday am so they can try and scan the spine. I went for two 20 min walks and tried bellydancing and drinking something sweet, but although the baby woke up it was not interested in moving - obviously quite comfortable where it was lying. ;)

Note the foot kicking upwards. Someone thought it was 'boy's bits', but no, it's a foot.

happy days

The morningsickness seems to have gone again (phew!). I'm waking up more slowly and sitting on my gigantic maternity pillow so that I gradually 'come to.'

I'm in a good mood today, I've got swimming tonight as aquanatal is cancelled and the weather's been nice all week - what a difference that makes. Oh, and there was one jacket potato left at Top Nosh (our local lunch takeaway) and I got it and what sounds like a lovely fruit box.

Also, mum is sending me baby stuff from M & S - I don't know what, so it's a surprise, the best sort of present. And now I feel the baby kicking all the time I really feel it's all happening.

I gave work my maternity leave letter and will be finishing at the beginning of November (including my 2 weeks leave that's left) and returning the following November. How good is that! Of course, I still have to get to November, but it's not that long now - about 10 weeks.

The final thing that makes me cheerful is that I have the 20 week scan on Monday - I can't wait to see our little sprout again. I hope it's all healthy and okay but I'm sure that feeling lots of kicks is a good sign.

Bleh day

I've had a bleh day. I was sick after my breakfast and nauseus at work, even having a lie down for 10 mins or so. I'm so bored at work at the moment, we're undertaking rebranding (I work in marketing) and I'm supposed to organise reprints of all our brochures, a new website, a reseller day and exhibition. Unfortunately until we decide on what to call our product I can't do any of it! Rah it's frustrating!

Because I didn't have breakfast (well, you know what I mean), I picked all morning. At lunchtime I had a jacket potato with prawns (an old favourite) and two cakes from the bakery. The first one was nice, I felt overfull after the second one, I'm not sure why I ate it, perhaps because the whole day was rubbish.

This afternoon I had to negotiate a deal with a supplier. I HATE doing this, i know why, I'm not happy at them being unhappy with me and don't like arguing with them. I'm scared that my boss will want more and am unsure what a good deal looks like. Still at least I made an attempt. I'll wait until I'm in a more confrontative mood and try again.

So by the time I came home I was really ready to relax. The first thing I did was eat some sorbet and ice cream. I actually though 'why do i want this? Am I hungry?' My reply was that I was thirsty, tired and wanted something sweet to treat myself. I had noticed though and enjoyed my treat.

I'm doing a coaching course and had a session with my tutor. I'm doing okay I think. That was the one positive of the day. Afterwards I went upstairs for a sleep. I couldn't face bellydancing, I just hadn't felt 'right' all day. DH cooked me dinner and I had to promise to eat something. I came down and had a little bit. To be honest I wasn't hungry, but I ate a little so the baby had some green stuff today!

Now I'm off to bed, I'll see if I can be more positive tomorrow.

Aquanatal class & IE

I went to my second class last night and had to laugh at the choice of music. We did our warm up (jiggling around and bouncing from leg to leg) to the sound of 'The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies' and then cycling up and down the pool with a woggle (spaghetti shaped float) between our legs, like seahorses to the Soldier's March from Aida (last week it was Ride of the Valkyries).I'd have loved a view from above to see the rather rotund, humpty dumpty shaped ladies peddling furiously in formation!

It's great going to aquanatal as you get to meet lots of women in similar situations and the course is taught by a lovely midwife who you can ask all your in between appt questions.

I've managed to do some of my BC tasks - writing a letter to/from my fat and really tuning in to what I want to eat.

The letter was very interesting, I found the one I'd written before and the grumbles in that, that I drank too much, didn't move enough and disliked my body made me realise how far I'd come. My letter seemed so much less angry and more supportive. Being preggers, I don't drink (or at least only a tiny amount), I'm going to bellydancing and aquanatal so exercising twice a week and I'm far more accepting of my body.

I realised I'm starting to trust it to behave, that I can have a 'normal' pregnancy and that having fat on my body doesn't immediately mean I must panic. (I know there can be problems, but it doesn't always happen and so far, so good!).

Tuning in wise, I realised on Monday night that I really fancied a walnut and apple crunchy salad. DH didn't so we ate something else that we both wanted (tacos with mince and salad). Anyway, I ended up having a waldorf salad for lunch on Tuesday and it was lovely, really hit the spot and left me really satisfied.

Angry!

I'm annoyed today. I got into work and my boss gave me my CDPM (appraisal document with a list of goals). The thing is, this is supposed to have been given out in JANUARY!And it has a creation date of 4/2/07! Even worse, it's got goals due that are ongoing or due to be completed by 1st Sept.

I'm leaving on maternity leave at the start of November. That doesn't leave very long to achieve these goals satisfactorily. And the document was just dumped on my desk, with a sorry it's taken so long. But today's 31st July GRRRR!!!

If I achieve these goals I get a bonus, well that's likely to happen- not!

Prior to this I was feeling quite good as I had a productive weekend of painting. I sanded down an old chest of drawers and painted the outside in white and the drawers in primary colours. Then we painted shelves in the same colours. It looks really good and i'm proud of myself for doing it as my DIY skills and artistic skills are non-existent. It's starting to feel like the baby really will be here at xmas time.

I still haven't really felt movement yet (now 19.5 weeks), occasionally I've felt flutters I think. I went to the midwife on Friday and my blood pressure was 115/60 (compared to 145/80 when I found out I was pregnant). My uterus is where it's supposed to be (near my bellybutton) and the midwife listened for the heartbeat on the doppler and found it immediately - it was wonderful to hear and you could also hear little kicks (aah!).

My next scan is on 13th August which I'm looking forward to, and on Saturday I went with DH to Bloomin marvellous (maternity/baby shop) to get a present for a friend's new baby, then Mothercare World, where I got a maternity swimsuit and finally to BabiesRUs just looking at stuff. I think DH is gradually getting used to the idea it's happening as well.

I still haven't bought any baby clothes but may have to get a set of babygros soon before my mum buys everything it could ever need!

new arrivals

My friend had a baby earlier this week, it's very odd to think that I've got something growing inside me that will be that big quite soon.

I'm amused at the moment by my family. My Auntie Nancy (really a family friend but 81 and more like a granny to me) is massively over-excited by my pregnancy. She has decided to get me a changing table and has already been into mothercare to look at them and is going to look into John Lewis as well.

I was talking to mum last night (even more excited than Nancy) and she was saying that she'll need to get a pram and a cot for my parent's house. I think they'll be better equipped than we are. She was trying to persuade me to take the changing table now (I want to wait until we've boarded the loft) and we have got approx 20 weeks left (probably). It's all going to become real as we start to buy stuff, so far I've got a moses basket (£5 from ebay) and a cot (inherited from a family friend).

I think i'm feeling the baby kick sometimes or at least bubbles in my stomach. I try to tune in when I'm lying in bed to feel them but can't tell the difference between baby kicks and indigestion. The next scan is in a couple of weeks and I have a midwife appt tomorrow when I'll probably hear the heartbeat.

Foodwise I've been hungrier the last couple of days and trying to remember my tuck box (managed 2 out of 3 days). I tuned in today and fancied a potato with prawns and avocado but they didn't have them so I'll have my avocado tonight I think.

I've got aquanatal tonight which should be fun. So far I've not met the teacher as the 2 times I've made it in the last month she's been off sick (v. bad luck as apparently she's very rarely ill). I'm not sure what to expect but it was good last week to meet other women who were pregnant.

good advice

I had my teleclass with BC's Sophie last night which was incredibly helpful. So, after taking a deep breath and trying to take her suggestions on board I now intend to:

1) Try to regard my growing belly as baby not fat
2) Write a letter to my body as per BC
3) Tune in one day this week at lunchtime to work out what I really want to eat
4) Bring in my own personal tuck box of foods I want to eat that I enjoy and nourish me more than the work tuck box.

I felt so much better after working through my worries. I accept that it's okay for me to be anxious about my belly growing but that this is something natural and that if I imagine that the baby is the thing that is making it expand not bars of chocolate (as Nicola suggested) that I don't need to feel bad about it.

I weighed myself last night after eating and don't think I've put much weight on (maybe 4lbs in the last month). I'm quite happy with this and accept that sprout is growing a lot at the moment!

Struggling...

I really struggle to work out what I want to eat particularly at lunchtime. I just can't get enthusiastic about sandwiches (from Tescos) have gone off sushi (to my horror) and we have a real lack of nice shops close by where I work on an industrial estate.

In fact, I'm fairly unenthusiastic about food full stop and I'm not happy about it. My hubby keeps trying to persuade me to eat tasty nutritious stuff but I seem to only manage about half the serving and can't tell him what I want to eat, just end up going along with what he wants.

The only foods that I am attracted to are sweet and this is partially due to laziness as we have a tuck box at work with milk chocolate. I seem to be craving ice cream at home.

I don't like where I am at the moment, my belly has suddenly grown over the last 3 weeks which I'm not really happy about even though I'm pleased about being pregnant and happy about having a baby. I think it's bringing up issues watching it grow.

Last night I realised that I feel ugly and fat and feel quite ashamed by the size of my belly. I had got to a place where I was accepting my body but seem to have slipped backwards. I know this is illogical but I think it's because I've struggled all my life not to get bigger and now I have to watch and accept it and am finding this hard. I really don't want to get a lot fatter.

It might be these feelings of anxiety and dissatisfaction with my shape that are fueling the overeating (very therapeutic writing it all down) and I'm not sure how I deal with them.

I'm also very anxious that I'm not eating enough or not eating enough nutritious foods.

What can I do to get myself back on track?

Eat what you want

I've just been inspired by Nicola to think about the principles and how I'm doing. I've come to realise that the one I struggle with the most is 'eat what you want'. I really don't know what I want a lot of the time. I don't know how to change this.

I'm sure it's a bit to do with being pregnant (surprise surprise) as I've been going off food and actively disliking random food like chicken! Unfortunately I haven't had cravings (which is a bit disappointing) and a lot of the time don't want anything or just something sweet.

I'd love to know how other people manage this one as I just can't seem to decide what I want to eat (especially at lunchtime).

A strange problem

This is the first time this has ever been a problem, but I'm losing weight. Since BC I've lost a stone I was 17 st 10, then got weighed at the docs on finding out I was pregnant and was 17 st 7, and then weighed myself in between and had lost 1/2 a stone. Normally I'd be delighted, but I'm actually a bit worried that the baby will be hurt in some way. I was sure I'd put weight on but weighed myself on my parents scales and was down to 16st 10!

Obviously I'm still obese but I don't want to lose a lot of weight whilst I'm pregnant (now 4 months). It's not been on purpose, in fact i'm probably eating fattier foods than before. I was talking to DH about it and he said that I was eating less at mealtimes and having smaller portions.

So I'm in an odd position. Should I be worried? I'll talk to the midwife about it, but I really am not that hungry or at least not every day. Maybe I've finally 'got' intuitive eating? Or maybe I'm eating in a dangerous way? What do you think?

Bonjour mes amies. I've come back from our holiday in France. The weather was 'changeable' in that it kept raining and then was sunny for a bit and then rained again. We stayed in a farmhouse owned by a friend of my parents. They kept saying how it was rundown and very basic.

It was actually rather nice in a rustic sort of way, with bullocks on one side of us (definitely bulls, we checked!) and horses on the other. The farmhouse could have been gorgeous if someone spent some money on it, it had loads of extra 'cellars' or barns that could have been turned into further rooms.

As it was there was a kitchen/lounge (decent sized) bathroom, separate toilet and then up steep windy stairs to 3 bedrooms, 2 a decent size and one little one. We picked the big bedroom as the other one was a bit dusty.

It was so nice just to be able to relax and sleep a lot. I hadn't realised how tired I actually was. I was in my bed around 10 most nights and up at 10 in the morning and slept the whole time! We travelled round Normandy, visiting the local villages, shops, abbeys, churches and chateaus.

They eat so well in France, I'm jealous. The bakeries had the most wonderful biscuits, chocolate meringue cakes, lemon tarts and succulent apple tarts. I managed to have at least one ice cream a day (it's my aim on holiday). We ate a lot of pork for some reason, local sausages and smoked pork. I also tried... snails! They were actually okay, they tasted of nutty mushrooms with the texture of shellfish. I'm not sure I'd make them myself but did eat them all.

I also had some seafood (though not as much as I'd have liked!). Lots of mussels, big luscious prawns and scallops.

I managed to be very sensible about booze. I had some wine (a small glass) or some cider (again a glass) every other night. I'm going to avoid alcohol for the next week just to get my body back to normal. It was very odd being in France and so meagre with the alcohol but there was a good reason and i was okay about it.

Now we're back home and I'm craving vegetables, we had quite a lot of fruit, even if it was in cakes or ice cream but not enough vegetables.

Holiday

I'm off on holiday for just over a week (back on 10th) to France. Doubt I'll have time or access to the computer so Au revoir mes amies!

Back on track

I'm struggling a bit at the moment. I either seem to be avoiding eating because I don't fancy eating or snacking when I'm not really hungry. It's silly as I'd sort of got to a point where it was all coming together.I've tried snacking on fruit rather than the chocolate box at work (which is my main downfall at the moment) and it's working a bit.Anyway, I think I need to get back on track.

I'm going on holiday to France next week and am going to work really hard at eating intuitively as I'll have the time to choose when and what i want to eat. In the meantime I'm going to re-read Beyond Chocolate and re-invigorate my interest.

I think I'm struggling because there are different expectations when you're pregnant- when else can you legitimately be putting on 1lb a week and be being healthy? Or know that you will have a big belly and this is a cause for celebration not embarrassment.

I don't like healthcare professionals asking my weight or having to think about it and find it a little off-putting. It's odd knowing that I can (sort of) eat ice cream to get more calcium and feel less guilty about the fat in it. And I've had to give up any ideas of losing weight or 'controlling' it as this might hurt the baby.

To some extent you just HAVE to accept your body and how it's growing.I'm glad I'd done the work on accepting my body (or at least no longer hating it). It would be even harder if I was at war with it. But I'm not 100% comfortable with all the changes, it's a bit like going through puberty again, with bits growing and new sensations and you don't know quite what will happen next!

Anyway I'll post how I get on and get back on track

alive and kicking

Woohoo, 'Sprout' is alive and kicking. I've just come back from my scan. The good news is that all is well, however, my due date has changed to the 20th December, so the baby has been nicknamed Sprout as it's bound to come in the middle of my xmas dinner! I'm 12 weeks and 4 days not 14 weeks but I can live with that knowing that all is okay.

As you can see, Sprout is waving!

Highs and lows

I was supposed to have my 1st proper midwife appt this evening and Dh and I both got home early to wait for her (due after 6pm). By 9pm there was still no sign of her and I was pretty annoyed as we'd both been waiting since 5.30pm and I was really looking forward to Dh getting to hear the hb and a confirmation that all is okay. Anyway, it turned out that the 2 messages that had been left for a Samantha should have been for me instead. She'd got my name wrong.

She's rearranged the appt for friday evening instead when DH is away but never mind, at least it'll all be sorted for monday. Her colleague was off sick and she had to cover a parentcraft class.

IE wise, bizarrely, I'm currently off food except for home made fruit smoothies which I'm eating ridiculous quantities of. But woohoo, I've got to my 2nd trimester, roll the end of morning sickness!

I'm tired so I'm going to bed now, it's been a heavy day.

12 weeks and counting

Yay, i've got to 12 weeks now. I'm generally feeling better and hadn't had morning sickness in over a week until today. Today I feel rubbish, sick, tired, down and not like working at all. :( I don't know why, I really thought I was over the worst.

Sorry to moan.

More positively, I had a lovely weekend. I bought a fetal doppler (thing that lets you hear the baby's heartbeat) off ebay and it arrived on Friday. It took a lot of patience, but I eventually heard the heartbeat which was wonderful since I still haven't had a scan. So now I'm fairly confident there's something in there. Wow! I found it again on Monday and DH heard it too.

Most of my friends now know about my pregnancy but I've got to the 12 week mark, so don't mind them guessing. We had our proper Wii and games party night on Sunday, it was supposed to be a BBQ but we had a grilling and slightly pathetic BBQ due to the rain.

I really enjoyed the fuss, they're all so pleased for us! One of them had guessed a while back, another two guessed as they saw the Haynes Manual guide from preconception to 12 months. I told some of the others as it reached critical mass in our living room where 80% of the people there knew.

IE wise, I don't want to eat a lot at all. I seem to get full quite quickly and sometimes have to force myself to eat(!) Today I'm a bit sicky but I'm being good and having soup for lunch (I'd prefer nothing), since I know that I sometimes get sick from not eating! It might improve my energy levels too.

I still haven't had any cravings, though I'm eating a lot of ice cream. I'm trying to eat little and often.

Bit of a fright but all ok now

I had a bit of a scare on Monday night after going bellydancing when I noticed a tiny bit of spotting! Anyway, I spoke to NHS direct and they said that it's probably okay providing I didn't have any more (and if there was a problem it'd be over the next 48 hours) . I've had nothing further so I'm assuming it was just random.

It did give me a real scare though. I've got to 11 weeks now (12 on monday) and it'd be awful to lose the baby now as I've got used to the idea and was starting to relax a little. I'm being more careful at work and letting other people lift boxes of literature and Rich carry the shopping and I'm going to miss my bellydancing tonight (boo).

I've been feeling SOOO bloated though. On tuesday evening I ate my dinner and afterwards I had the most awful gas - it sounded as if something was living in my abdomen (and it's too early for it to be the baby!). This has meant I don't feel much like eating, I already feel full. (A new problem!!)

I've bought some really nice chocolates from Hotel Chocolat, we've been enjoying them a lot. I realised though that I've managed to just eat 3 of 4 a night, I'd never have done this 6 months ago! Real progress! I'm enjoying each one really mindfully.

This weekend we're going to have the BBQ and games party we wanted to have last weekend but had on a small scale because someone was having a house warming party. It should be fun, if it's not too rainy, but is going to be v. obvious that there's a reason I'm not drinking and it's not because I'm driving! It doesn't matter too much since I'll be very almost 12 weeks. I think we've done well (mostly) keeping it a secret until now.

I still don't have a bump of any description. In fact, I've lost a pound or two. I'm sure this is because I'm not drinking booze. I'm happy about it but accept that when I put on some weight it's okay and a healthy, normal thing, not something to be resistant to. I'm not undereating by any stretch of the imagination!

All's well

I'm still feeling good today - the nausea seems to have gone and I'm slightly less tired than I was.

I made it to bellydancing last night, I'm glad I went, although I was tired out by the end. There was a lady there with a 30 week old belly. It was dead funny as she was cradling her bump when she was dancing to stop it moving about. I asked her how she found it and she said her baby just seems to sleep through the movements, probably rocked to sleep. There was another lady there who said she'd carried on dancing til about 34 weeks, when our bellydancing teacher started to get nervous!

Theoretically it's very good for childbirth preparation as it's all about hip movements and exercises your pelvic floor muscles.

Foodwise, I must remember that eating too much Haggen Daz icecream doesn't feel nice.

Now that my appetite has come back, I'll have to concentrate on eating less chocolate (when I wasn't really hungry), as I was starting to get into bad habits.

I'm unsure what I'll be up to this weekend, we were hoping to have friends around to play with the wii and other games, but one of them is having a house warming party. I'm not keen on going as it'll be very boozy and I'd prefer something more sociable that I can join in with more easily. I could just go and be the driver but some friends are already a bit suspicious and this'll make it more obvious.

One of our friends, S. keeps teasing us about when we're going to have a baby. She asked DH a week or so again and he said something vague (along the lines of soon). If she asks me, I'm going to be forced to say, 'Ooh, i don't know, I reckon around 10th December' just to see her face. DH wants me to wait, but I'll be fine if it's funny! (This is another reason not to go to the party!)

Bright & breezy

I'm feeling much better today for no obvious reason. I wasn't sick this am, I don't feel horrendously tired, didn't have any nightmares and I almost feel like I'm blooming. Long may it continue! I have no idea why I feel good but I'm enjoying it.

So, I might make it to bellydancing tonight (we'll see how I feel by 6pm!).

Foodwise, I've re-stocked on liquorice torpedoes, chocolate and ice cream at home, but so far haven't eaten them (apart from a handful of LTs). I had a bit of a worry on Tuesday night as my friend who was cooking dinner made homemade cheesecake with mascarpone and it's a soft cheese. I couldn't ask her if it's okay for pregnant women to eat, but after DH and I examined the Sainsburys carton which had no warnings we decided it was okay. I checked on the web and apparently it's fine, so I'm rather relieved.

I also had a chuckle with my mum last night. She has a friend who's pregnant and has a pet dog (very spoiled) probably as spoilt as my cat. Anyway, you can get a CD of baby noises to stop the animals being upset from soundtherapy4pets. Mum's going to let her know as they're all teasing her at work that her dog will be scared/jealous of the baby.

Have other people had cats and how did they react to newborns? We're looking forward to Milton sitting on my tummy and being thrown off when the baby decides to start kicking- it'll be dead funny!

Tired

Firstly, thanks for the nice comments about being in the Beyond Chocolate newsletter. I'd forgotten I'd written that bit actually. I know they really like it when they get sent articles if anyone else is inspired. I work in marketing and have to write our work newsletter so know it's a pain getting contributions!

*Yawn* I'm really tired today. I'm not sure why, the weekend wasn't that busy. I could just sleep and sleep. I'm also having horrible dreams every night. Last night I dreamt that I couldn't get home from school and had been abandoned on the side of the road. I then dreamt that I was at uni and couldn't find a shower.

I'm totally unmotivated at work today (the tiredness again). I just don't feel like doing anything at all.

I seem to have no morning sickness at the weekend think 'whoohoo it's gone', get out of bed on a monday ready to go and then get it again. Still, I'm not starting week 11, so hopefully only a fortnight or so of MS and then maybe I'll be back to normal.

I've also been eating lots of sweets and choccy. I think it's related to the tiredness, but I must make sure that I monitor this as I'm not really hungry, just wanting body comfort. I'd prefer a nap, but have to make do with a bar of choccy!

I think I might just have an early night tonight and skip bellydancing. I *should* go, because I enjoy it when I'm there and it was cancelled for the last fortnight but I don't have the energy today. I'll try and persuade myself to go to the one tomorrow or Thursday.

Full of the joys of spring

11th June seems like SUCH a long way away. I'm still getting morning sickness (it's worse if anything). In fact, tuesday morning I leapt out of bed with all the joys of spring and realised it was a BIG mistake. Bleurgh, good job I had a bin handy!

My mum says it's nature's way of slowing pregnant women down. ;)

I'm rather tired at the moment and in need of a proper holiday. I told my boss I want to take a holiday in June (3rd or 4th week) and he told me that he thought I'd want to avoid holidays since I'll have maternity leave. FFS! I haven't had a full week off since Xmas and DH will need a holiday too. I have 18 days to take this year so I don't see why on earth he'd think I don't want a break!

I also had work colleagues trying to tell me not to eat smoked salmon or cooked prawns yesterday. I can't see anything about avoiding these things on NHS direct so I'm going to continue eating them as they taste good.

In the middle of the night last night I woke up with really bad stomach ache. I have no idea what triggered it but it was fine this morning. Perhaps it was wind (an unpleasant side effect of pregnancy!). I'm a bit anxious as my mum miscarried at about 9 weeks, which is where I'm at. I'm being extra careful just in case. I've decided to stop looking on the babycentre boards as there keep being women coming off the board because they've lost their baby. I really hope this doesn't happen to me, the thought is very scary.

Brave new world

I was VERY daring this weekend. I went to meet a girl called S. who I met through Beyond Chocolate and the normal eating website. I'd hardly spoken to her on the phone, but had shared my darkest thoughts and fears about food via email and the web.

Anyway, I had been invited to stay at her house and go to the BC teaparty yesterday afternoon and I thought it would be a lovely way to meet her. I was relieved to discover she was as lovely in real life as she came across in her emails and we easily slotted into a knowing each other for ever friendship, united by our difficult eating patterns.

She's just been on the BC fairy course and had really enjoyed it and got a lot out of it. She lives in a studio flat in New Malden, it was immaculately tidy, with one of those pull down beds in a cupboard. I'm far too disorganised to ever hope to live in such a carefully organised space and she agreed that it gets a little claustrophobic. I've lived in bedsits before but they were much bigger, although not as well furnished.

We had a really nice evening in, chatting and watching a movie called 'Starter for 10' (which was only okay).

On Sunday we slept in a little, mainly my fault as I was apparently snoring (whoops) and kept her awake. I can't sleep on my tummy at the moment as my boobs are too sore so I'm blaming the baby!

I met my sister prior to going to the Tea Party, it was lovely to catch up. She and her boyfriend are moving in together and have just found a flat to share.

Anway, afterwards I went to the tea party. It was very exciting to meet Sophie and Audrey and they were as I'd imagined them. We greeted each other like long lost friends, more people I feel I know although I've never met.

There was a moment when I looked around quite lost, and then I saw Alicetini, AlisonR and KittenKi and Josie (Sweet Chocolate Kisses). Thankfully we recognised each other and I immediately felt welcomed. We got given wonderful, delicate little cakes and sat around chatting.

Then came the talks, we went downstairs and there were loads of people! In fact, we had to sit on the floor so I'm guessing there may have been more than expected. It was very interesting listening to the nutritionist and doctor turned health coach explaining that they agree with the principles of intuitive eating and BC. I wish that my local GP was as enlightened.

And then came chocolate tasting. Mmm. One word of warning, though, beware greed. I and another lady went to one of the tables where there was something that could have been white chocolate or cheese. We both took a big mouthful. Bleurgh, it was cocoa butter!

All in all, I had a very pleasant weekend and enjoyed a bit of me time.

midwife appointment

I went to see the midwife this afternoon and she was lovely. I must admit though that the badly behaved children who were with one of the women also waiting were enough to make me change my mind! They were only about 6 years old and totally ignoring pleas to sit down and behave.

If the mums had brought a book to read to them or something I'm sure they'd have been less disruptive, it's a lot to ask young children to sit quietly. The little boy was kissing his brother in the pram and being shouted at by his mum instead of encouraged to show his affection.

Anyway, obviously I'll be a perfect mum ;) remind me in 7 years time!

The midwife said that my blood pressure isn't a massive worry as the lower number is 80 and should be under 90. Other than drinking more milk (a pint a day yuck, I'll go with her hot chocolate idea) I think I'm doing most stuff right. And I'm far less worried. I could have a home birth if I want, not sure as it's my first time. Also, she'll come and visit me at home to arrange things, which I wasn't expecting.

My scan is on 11th June, I wish it was sooner, I'd sort of like proof that I'm not imagining it and that there is a baby inside me accounting for my discomfort!

Anyway I must go and eat something, I'm aware I've not been eating much the last few days and I've got homemade sushi in the fridge. yum

Mmm avocados

Well I really fancied those pringles and avocado last night. So I bought a packet, sat down and peeled my 2 avos and put a handful of pringles into a bowl. I really enjoyed eating them for my dinner and then went straight to bed at 7.30pm!

I pretty much slept right through until 7am this morning and feel much better today, more positive and awake. I was SOOO tired.

And I'm really pleased about the pringles with avocado thing. Prior to BC/IE I'd have eaten the packet and my dinner. Last night I ate 10-12 pringles and really enjoyed them. I suspect my body wanted some fuel after eating less than normal (and probably than I needed) at the exhibition. It totally satisfied me and I listened when I got the message that they were high fat and I didn't need that many to feel full.

I may be getting this IE thing!

Oh and I ate a ginger biscuit before getting up this morning and was much better (only slight gagging whilst brushing my teeth)!

Back to reality

Phew, my part (for now) in the exhibition is over. The whole thing was slightly traumatic - things went wrong but mostly got sorted out. I am SOOOO tired now. I've realised i need to be more careful about not getting over tired and eating properly or I get wobbly and fall off benches/fall over. (We worked from 10am to 11.30pm monday and were back at the show on Tuesday at 8am, and all that time only ate sandwiches!)

Overeating wise, well, I've been too busy to eat, rather than eating too much. Last night, I had a real craving for liquorice torpedoes and pringles with avocado. I got to the shop and bought the LT but forgot to buy the pringles. I drove back from Birmingham about 3.30pm and could hardly keep my eyes open I was so tired.

I also could tell the reasons I wanted to eat them were partially because I was hungry, but also because I hadn't eaten much the previous 2 days and thirdly I was feeling down about the whole exhibition and massively overtired.

I did eat some, but instead had a nap for an hour or so and they're in the cupboard waiting for when I fancy them again.

The MS was better this morning, probably because I was less anxious.

Baby doesn''t like stress

Bleurgh, very sick this morning. I'm anxious about my exhibition, whether everyone will get there on time, whether I've forgotten anything, whether the things I've forgotten at the office will come down to the NEC.

I had a lovely relaxing weekend where I managed not to do too much and not worry about the exhibition. This morning however, I woke up at 5.15 and couldn't get back to sleep. It didn't help that the cat was complaining that he wanted to go out for about an hour (he doesn't like using his litter tray and I don't blame him).

I finally got up at 7am (no point in sleeping on) and have been REALLY sick and then had my shower. I'm sure it's mostly anxiety and that beanie doesn't appreciate my stress hormones interfering with its sleep!

Keep your fingers crossed for me over the next day or so that all goes well and we get set up okay. I'm going to be knackered tonight! Everyone else will be out drinking whilst I plan an earlyish night in the hotel.

Now I've got to persuade poor tummy to eat breakfast. I've got a smoothie I made earlier so will see if I can eat that or put it in a flask and have it in a few hours when I'm less fragile.

Happy

I told my mum and sister at lunchtime by phone, they were really pleased (apparently mum had a tear in her eye). Mum had guessed something was up as I talked to her yesterday and I was 'quiet as if I was hiding something.' She said it was the best birthday present she could have had and was already talking about babysitting!

I called dad and he was pleased too. He immediately talked about cutting down on booze, taking vitamins (I told him that I'd been doing that for ages) and about watching my blood pressure. I knew he'd worry, but I'm already a bit concerned about my BP as it was slightly high before I got pregnant and to be honest I don't need him to flap about it too!

(He's such a hypochondriac). Anyway, I got lovely responses and it made me feel really rather elated and excited to be able to give the news.

I've found that getting over-excited makes me feel nauseous though! I've still not been too bad, but morning sickness is definitely threatening. If it stays like this I'll be glad!

Bleurgh

I guess that eating regularly is becoming more important. I didn't get to eat my lunch at the normal time and when I went to heat up my moussaka it turned my stomach in an 'eurgh, looks like dog meat' stylee. I really like moussaka and really enjoyed it on Sunday.

Oh dear, morning sickness being all day sickness? I hope not, I'm a bit frantically busy at work today.

In laws

We told DH's mum and dad this weekend - they're delighted, it will be their first grandchild. It was lovely to be able to talk about it and my pregnancy openly. I'm awful at keeping secrets. We've starting to say things like 'in 9 months time' and 'if it's all okay, we'll need to...'.

I think DH is getting used to the idea. I'm really looking forward to telling my mum and sister on Wednesday (mum's birthday). They're going out to a cafe and I' going to call them both and tell them. I'll be the first in my family to have a baby too, and mum has been nagging me for years to get on with it. Actually, so has DS too, she'll love to be an Auntie. She's 8 years younger than me so I think it'll give her a chance to play at having one in total safety! I'll then call my dad and brother. Dad'll love to be a doting grandpa but I have no idea how DB will react.

Foodwise, my body seems to be working well. I've not really had any cravings, it doesn't appear to have grown (apart from my boobs which are huge and really sore). I seem to be really in tune, long may it continue!

Of course, I can't expect any weightloss from this, but I am hoping that I won't put much on, since I've stopped drinking and haven't been overeating 'sometimes' food as Rick Kausmann puts it.

shocked

I emailed my boss today to ask to leave a bit early for a doctor's appointment and he emailed me back saying did I want to take it as sick leave or a holiday (to which I thought what! I'd only be leaving an hour early!)

Anyway, I later spoke to him on his mobile (he works from home sometimes) and said I wanted to talk to him next week about something. He replied 'Why, are you pregnant?' to which I coughed, spluttered and said 'yes, how did you know?'

He's promised to keep it quiet, but I thought I was being subtle! It just shows how crap I am at keeping secrets. Never mind, I was only telling him because of an exhibition I'm going to in a week, when I'm sure he'd realise from the no booze and early bedtimes!

Cravings

Heh, well after discovering all the things I have to avoid I really fancied steak and watercress for dinner last night. I don't think it was a 'craving' as such though. Anyway, DH pointed out that I can only have well-cooked steaks, which is missing the point (I wanted blood), so we got steak burgers instead.

They were horrible, I only had 1/2 my dinner, just couldn't face it (the cat wouldn't eat the 2nd burger either!) The watercress was nice though. I partially filled up with a snack of halloumi that DH cooked to keep us going, but still, it's unlike me not to eat most of my dinner.

I feel really bloated at the moment, I seem to get awful wind at night (sorry TMI) and can't get comfortable for the gurglings in my stomach. I'm not sure why, possibly due to my internal organs moving and eating more fruit?

I'm also really tired, Wednesday I had a 2 hour nap when I got home from work and then went to bed at 10 o'clock and last night I was tucked up by 9 o'clock. How depressing is that!

However, the good news is that I seem to be eating intutively. I have no urge to binge at all and have been eating only at mealtimes (this is when I've been hungry). By food time I've been really hungry and ready to eat. But I've been enjoying my food more as a result.

Also good news is that the 'official test' came back from the hospital and I'm pregnant according to that too. So next week I have a doc's appointment on Thursday and after that it'll be talking to the midwife!

Liquorice induces labour?

First of all, thanks for all your kind comments. I'll let you know how I get on! I'm very excited but a bit scared too.

Secondly - oh, no, according to BBC news, liquorice is bad for pregnant ladies. Will I have to change my name to 'No Liquorice Torpedoes?'

Liquorice eaters have babies earlier
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/1378652.stm

Pregnant women who eat large amounts of liquorice could be at greater risk of having their babies prematurely, warn scientists.
Finnish researchers found that women who ate at least 2.5 packets of black liquorice sweets, containing 100 grams each, per week were twice as likely to deliver before 38 weeks.
They found the liquorice eaters were likely to deliver about 2.5 days earlier than those who ate little or none of the sweets. "

Is there anyone in there?

I've got some very exciting news which means that I had better give up any plans of weightloss and instead concentrate on healthy intutive eating.

I'm pregnant! Only about 6 weeks, so it's very early days yet. In fact, I was worried about telling you guys, so i'm doing so on the understanding that you're here for me if I *gulp* miscarry. Also, please don't mention it until I do at the Beyond Chocolate party as I may have some friends there who don't know.

It happened the first month of trying which is also really good by me. I suppose it means my insides are working healthily which is good to know. I haven't told my parents yet -my mum's birthday is next wednesday so I think it'll be a nice extra surprise. My DH's parents are coming to visit this weekend so we'll tell them if they guess but otherwise let them know next wednesday too.

I'm telling our HR lady this afternoon but want to wait a bit longer before other people know at work (in case it all goes wrong).

I'm really excited - it's my first pregnancy. If all goes well, I'm due to have the baby around 10-14th December. So far, I've got a bit of nausea and my boobs feel huge but otherwise I'm fine.

I already have some questions for those more experienced than me.

1) smoked salmon - is this a no no? (i hope not as I love smoked salmon)
2) cheesecake - this is soft cheese and therefore to be avoided? Am I correct?

Weight loss

I'm back to the thorny issue of weight loss. I'm a little frustrated that so far I haven't really lost anything. I'd love to release some weight for the sake of my health.

Don't get me wrong, I accept my body the way it is, I'd just feel more comfortable as a slightly smaller size. So how can I go about losing weight whilst remaining true to IE/BC? I don't want to starve or stuff myself, I'm eating much less chocolate/sweets than I used to. I no longer have the urge to overeat either chocolate or liquorice torpedoes or anything else for that matter.

My weight has been stable for the last year (fluctuating by about 5lbs). So what next? Do I concentrate more on not getting too full? Do I journal what I'm eating and then work out what I could eat instead? (Is this too diety?) I don't want to go back to any slimming club.

Any advice would be gratefully received.

Hungry

The last few days I've been feeling really hungry by my mealtimes. I've not particularly wanted to overeat in between but I'm very ready to eat when at my standard times. I'm getting the hang of this IE thing, but still haven't lost any weight. I have managed to totally cut back on the wine and had the unusual experience of waking up before 9am on both saturday and sunday. Hopefully the reduction in booze will start to show on my waistline.

I feel healthier for not drinking (well actually I had a bottle of v. low alcohol cider on Friday and a small glass of white wine saturday night) but that's pretty much it for the last week.

I haven't been bellydancing for 2 weeks because of the bank holiday and am really looking forward to stretching myself out tonight. I feel so much better after I've wobbled for an hour ;)

I borrowed 'When you eat at a refrigerator pull up a chair' by Geneen Roth, which was a good book, with lots of helpful advice about ways to change the way you approach food. I particularly liked her chatting about stopping being a drama queen. I think maybe we overeaters have this tendency to blow up any problems. I know it's something i do. I enjoy a good story (perhaps it's my irish heritage). But I can see what she means, if we're exaggerating how well or badly we're doing and swinging from one panic to another it can be quite stressful.

So I'm trying to moderate my emotions too and avoid exaggerating my problems and fears by asking myself what's the worst that could happen?

In the mood

I've managed to eat intutively since last Friday, partially because I've been too busy to think about food and I think also because the weather has improved and I'm feeling happier. I like Spring.

I've been thinking about when I am more likely to overeat and trying to notice it a bit more and therefore avoid grazing as I know it was a bit of a downfall. I've not been tempted by my little box of goodies, although it's nice to know I can eat them if I want to. I'm just not that bothered.

Also suprisingly, we've just not got around to eating our easter eggs (the pack of 3 we bought between us). I'm trying to make a concerted effort to eat more fruit and veg, including fruit juice and dried mango/raisins and smoothies. The brighter weather just makes me feel more like eating these things.

Back to reality

The game was a lot of fun but I was wrong in my prediction that I'd eat a lot of meat. We decided to buy food at the event rather than taking stuff to cook with us. Unfortunately, there were more people than expected at the festival, so there wasn't much food available.

Consequently, whilst I did eat, I didn't eat very much and it was predominantly vegetarian. So, now I crave MEAT! We had a tandoori mixed grill take out for dinner last night, today for lunch I had sausages and tonight I'm having steak with roasted mediterranean vegetables.

So far, I haven't had any easter eggs or similar. We have bought a pack of three fairtrade ones to share (they're smallish). At the moment I am full of sausages though, slightly too full in fact.

Today I am relaxing, reading my book, catching up on washing and at some point will go and play on my wii (I can't be bothered doing any of the active games though).

Just move!

I got my wii last night, it's a lot of fun playing tennis, golf and bowling in our front room. Very silly, but you'd be surprised how much it feels like exercise after an hour or so of leaping to hit the invisible ball!

I'm away this weekend, we're going to Maelstrom http://www.profounddecisions.co.uk/, which is another live action roleplaying game. This time I get to sit in a field with butlers, being 'a lady,' drinking tea and eating tiffin. (I kid you not). There may also be a small lake of wine drunk, although I'm not necessarily partaking this year.

It's marvelous fun, apart from the sleeping in a field bit, but at least it's April this year and the weather forecast is for nice weather (even unseasonably hot!).

I end up eating a lot of meat since we bbq as that's the easiest thing to eat whilst camping. It is one of the few occasions when I have a tendency to forget to eat because I'm too busy catching up on people I haven't seen for about 6 months.

I won't be around on any forums for a bit as I'll be in a field, but will try to catch up on Monday, depending on how tired I am.

Conflict

Yesterday I had a minor spat with my DH over tidying up. It was just a silly thing, with him shouting at me and me feeling cross. Soon afterwards I ate my dinner mindfully, but then had some ice cream afterwards.

In my head I was saying to myself 'Are you really still hungry or are you just eating because you're cross with him?' I told myself to 'shut up' because I wanted to eat my ice cream and because it was with my dinner so it was allowed. I wasn't overfull, just not 'hungry.'

I'm also a bit disappointed as I don't think I've got pregnant this month - feel very PMTy - won't know definite for a few more days but I was enjoying day dreaming.

Looking back though, perhaps I could have sat with my feeling cross and not eaten the ice cream. I suppose noticing the emotion is part of the battle and noticing what I'm doing once I've had the emotion is useful too, but I'm still not there yet with just sitting with it and not having the ice cream (which wasn't even that nice!).

But actually admitting what I felt and why I might have been a bit 'churned up' inside is a useful exercise, I'm not sure all the emotions had quite floated to my brain and been processed.

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I've just bought a nintendo Wii online. I've been waiting for ages to get one. It should arrive tomorrow by parcel force and my DH is going to work from home in order to sign for it.

*does excited dance*

A springclean of the hearth and soul

I've had a lovely weekend. I very bravely met Twirlgirl and G from the Beyond Chocolate forum in Manchester. It was so nice to meet people who've been trying out the intutive eating, to compare notes and see where you can get to.

(And very amusing, since I'd never met either of them before and we were each carrying our BC books in a spy thriller type manner and had the awkward moment of 'Are you G?' 'Yes, are you A?'

Both of them seem to be doing so well and it was really heartening to see where I think I'm going to get to. One of the best things was that we all seem to believe that we've changed internally since starting BC. It's not just about learning to accept our bodies and changing what we eat. It's also about becoming more relaxed in our bodies, making more time for ourselves and becoming more assertive in expecting our rights. It's also about taking pride in yourself and your surroundings. (Both Twirlgirl and I feel we want to be tidier people at home, which is quite amusing that we got there separately.)

It's wonderful to see this happening to other people as it sort of confirms what you suspect is happening to yourself.

So, as part of caring more about myself I want to live in attractive surroundings. As such, we've cleaned the lounge windows and the kitchen windows and hoovered everywhere, even behind the settee. It's shockingly tidy and really makes me feel pleased to look at it.

Searching...

I realised something important today. The reason why I've been feeling antsy the last couple of days is that I need a new project.

The thing is, food was my best friend. Now that I've officially decided it's a onesided relationship and I want more from my life, I've got extra free time to use up and need a new focus.

I'm still waiting for my life coaching course to start which will give me something to do in the evenings. It seems to be taking ages to sort it out. I've sent them cheques and now they want forms filled in with my previous qualifications. *Sigh* Hopefully it'll get sorted out soon.

My DH has plenty to occupy him. He likes to play computer games (boring!) or organise the live role playing games such as Vikings! I like to do things with people, socialise. I've got the evening to myself tonight (DH is off out with work). I'm going to think about what I can do with my spare evening time. I don't want to spend it reading books or watching tv, I feel I do too much of that already.

There's always housework to do, but oddly enough, I'd almost do anything else!! :-)

I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and go bellydancing. I feel much better for having moved!

A pint! That's practically an armful!

I gave blood this evening. It didn't hurt but I've been feeling 'bingy' all evening and fancying sugary foods. I had some and was too full to eat my dinner.

Oh well. Perhaps I needed the sugar to re-stock my armful of blood. I've felt a bit 'wobbly' since donating it.

And I suppose it's progress to only eat a couple of bites and decide that the bourbon biscuits, pieces of dark chocolate and hundreds and thousands were eaten instead of my tea rather than as well as!

Being tired isn't helping so I'm off to bed. At least with IE you can just try again tomorrow, it's not a diet so you can't fail!

European eagle owl and Beyond Chocolate teaparty

I had a strange experience last night. We were watching Battlestar Gallactica when I heard a 'whoo, whoo' noise. I suggested that it might be the European Eagle Owl that has apparently been spotted in our neighbourhood and was in our local papers.

My DH poo pooed the idea and insisted it must be a pigeon. Anyway, I went out at the break and there was a MASSIVE bird sitting on our chimney pot! We couldn't get pictures because it was dark, but you could just see it's profile against the night's sky.

I'm going to have to keep the cat in as apparently they like eating cats, small dogs and lambs and our cat is white and fluffy!

I did manage to clean the windows in the lounge last night. They were filthy and had cat paw prints just at peering out level. I've been looking on flylady.net to try and organise me into having a clean house. If it's something that you think might help you, make sure you ask for only one email a day or they send about 50!

In other news, I had a lovely chat with Audrey from Beyond Chocolate. We were discussing the thorny issue of 'healthy eating' and intuitive eating. (Difficult because you don't want to 'diet' but to lose weight you need to choose to eat more healthily.) She made a really good point about how you might eat only 3 portions of fruit and veg one day, but 7 the next. It made me realise how prescriptive healthy eating rules can be.

I'm slowly getting to the stage of wanting to change how I eat because I love my body and want it to feel nourished, but I don't ever want to go on a 'diet' or 'plan' again. Audrey believes there is a 'middle way' and is looking at a way of supporting BCers who want to find it, which is excellent news!

I'm going to the Beyond Chocolate Tea party on 6th May which sounds like a lot of fun. If you want tickets, you can buy them and find out more about it here. http://www.beyondchocolate.co.uk/teaparty.htm Hopefully I'll meet some of my cyberspace buddies there.

What did you do this weekend?

Well, Vikings was lots of fun. I ate many many nuts, stew and irish soda bread. I managed to be a mostly sober Viking ;)

I'm quite cheery at the moment, I think because of the sunny weather and the fact that the clocks have changed. I'm trying to continue to keep to the intuitive eating. I don't have any great insights to report, but it seems to be becoming easier (generally), I now very rarely eat chocolate bars apart from dark chocolate and my liquorice torpedoe quotient is down to about 10 a day (and they're kind of small).

Shockingly I even craved vegetables for dinner last night. I think it was after the 'meat' and nuts of the weekend. We had a very nice warm bacon salad (bacon & rocket) and parma ham wrapped around blue cheese and big mushrooms. Yum.

Tonight DH made me sushi. I love sushi, I'd quite happily eat fish every day for the rest of my life. I can't persuade DH to make it every day, but if I could I would.

SOMETHING POSITIVE ABOUT THE LAST FEW DAYS: I received some new clothes from the catalogue I ordered from and I feel quite good in them. I even got complimented on looking good in them!
AIM FOR TODAY/TOMORROW: I'm going to have a big tidy up tonight as part of my aim to MOVE and also because I feel happier when the house isn't a dump.

Meditation class and Buddha

Well, it wasn't for me I don't think. I was joining half way through a course and although it said that newcomers were welcome this made it a bit tough.

I've never meditated before and had no idea what to expect. It was more like going to church, with a table at the front with glass bowls, a picture of Buddha and the monk sitting at the front facing us. I should also add that I have no knowledge about Buddhism except that they don't eat meat and meditate and are peaceful.

He started off by talking about change and permanence and how nothing ever stays the same, we are different even from ourselves between the morning and afternoon. He used a river as an example. Then he explained that this meant that anything someone had said or done to us was also not permanent.

He then explained that all problems are external and can be dealt with by going internally into our minds. All problems are caused by 'delusions' e.g. someone speaks negatively to you and you respond with anger. Anger is a delusion. You can stop being angry by meditating.

He said there are three 'jewels' to achieving inner peace - Dharma, which are the tools you learn to meditate on positive emotions e.g. love, peace, patience; 'junga' which is the community who support you on your path and 'Buddha' who is a teacher and a guide or role model.

(BTW, sorry if I've misspelled anything or misunderstood any of what he said, as I explained this is my first experience of Buddhism and I respect the rights of others to believe in whatever they want).

I asked what about when it's something you can't change easily. He said that then you have to accept that this is the case and lose the frustration.

What really interested me is that instead of looking externally to achieve peace he was saying to look internally. This is different from western society where we take a pill for a headache, eat to avoid bad thoughts, pray to God (an external force). Instead, you need to achieve peace by changing the way you think about others and react to them.

We did meditate, which I struggled with, sitting quietly for 20 mins was difficult. I think I'll get a tape to listen to, I was interested in what he said and a lot of it made sense, but I've been brought up Catholic and I'm not searching for another religion.

I'm also going to get some books and try to learn more about Buddhism which is fascinating and seems to really tie in with Psychology and intutive eating.

SOMETHING POSITIVE ABOUT TODAY: Making my own bread and stew for the weekend, trying on my new clothes which arrived and fit
GOAL TOMORROW: Move! Help DH to set up the Viking enclosure!