Saturday 25 October 2008

Exciting times

Well, my CRB check has FINALLY come through so I'm able to start work in a week. I'm excited, a little anxious/nervous and a bit sad as Rosie will be with a childminder whilst I'm at work. On the other hand, she'll be 11 months old, so I'm lucky I've managed to have a whole year off work.

Where am I at at the moment with IE? Well, I think I've put a bit of weight on again. It's frustrating as I keep losing half a stone, feeling good about it and noticing it and then put it back on again. I don't really understand why and I'd really like to lose the little bit of weight and not regain it.

It's not the be all and end all that it used to be, I accept my body fat and all. However, I'm aware that it would be healthier if it had less fat on it.

So I have to ask what function it's serving? I've been thinking about this. As a child it was about rebelling against my mother. I didn't have control over other aspects of my life but could choose to eat, even though I did sneak food. I think it was also a bit about getting bigger to have more presence when I was bullied. It was probably also about avoiding being sexual.

I'm not sure what purpose it serves now. I think it's showing that I need too, that life isn't always perfect and I want support from those I love and friends, so it's a way of asking for help. It's also about freedom - I can choose to overeat, it's up to me not anyone else.

So how to move forward. Twinkle said she told her inner child that she could still get what she wanted. I can ask for help and support rather than hoping they notice I'm unhappy. They'd want me to get help, they love me. It's true I can overeat, it's also true I have the choice not too. It's up to me and I can chooose. No one has power over me to make me diet, I'm never going to be co erced into dieting again. Hopefully this'll silence my inner child.

Monday 22 September 2008

Musings

Life's moved on a bit in the last month. I've been offered a job as a library assistant, something I've always wanted to do. My previous employers have also asked me to do a little bit of work so I'm going to be a busy girl!

I'm in a good place food-wise. I'm eating quite intuitively, not really craving sweet stuff, I've just been 'forgetting' to buy chocolate in the same way I eventually 'forgot' to buy liquorice torpedoes (except for occasionally). I'm just not as bothered by it as I was. I'm less fussed about cake too.

I've accidentally lost a bit of weight again, I'm a stone less than I was when I got pregnant. I could tell I'd lost a little weight as my trousers have got loose and wondered what the numbers were so I checked this morning.

The weird thing is I'm not that excited about it. It's only a number and I'm just curious about what the number is doing, it doesn't define me. I'm pleased obviously as my weight is enough that I could potentially have health problems but not joyous.

My weight seems to have oscillated up and down over the past 9 months since Rosie was born. Hopefully it'll start to settle down and maybe even go a bit lower. I'm still expressing, but not as much and am therefore less hungry. I'm assuming this has something to do with the accidental weightloss. Perhaps the other contributing factor is that I'm trying to eat more fruit for Rosie's sake as we're not a big fruit eating family. I don't really know!

Tuesday 19 August 2008

Uphill struggle

I had a minor success yesterday, I kind of missed lunch and got to about 5pm and realised I was starving whilst in Sainsbury's. Obviously our cupboards are now particularly full of nice things, but I managed to talk to myself and ask if I really wanted sweet food or something a little more filling.

When I tuned in, I realised that actually, a spring roll, an onion bhaji and a chicken thigh were what my body wanted as well as a sugar rush. So I had two pieces of toblerone (my current food I like) plus the above. And oh, they were tasty and I felt good! Then later on, I didn't really want much for dinner and I happily left half of what was on my plate. I need more days like that, but it was good.

Generally I still struggle, I oscillate between thinking it's better not to buy sweets and that I like to have something sweet in the house for when I want it. I can now eat a few pieces of chocolate rather than the whole bar, what I'm doing when I remember is tuning into see whether it's what I really want.

We probably drink too much wine too, which doesn't help. My consumption has decreased (well it went to almost zero whilst pregnant) but it is slowly increasing and I'm aware that wine has calories too. I don't drink until late in the evening as I'm still expressing milk full time and don't want to give Rosie boozy milk (except when she's a complete nightmare sleeper!). But still, I know they're wasted calories whilst tasting good.

Monday 4 August 2008

BC stuff

I've stepped down as forum fairy on the BC forum. I was feeling increasingly guilty as I haven't had time to check all the posts and it's become so popular that I kept getting really behind. It's ironic that now I'm not working I've had less time to check on all the posts than when I was skiiving at work.

But I suppose since I'm no longer a fairy at all I can just ask for help as it's needed. ;)

I'm still hoping to go on the fairy training next year but it's dependent on a few things. If I get a job at the library it may involve saturday work, so I'd need to check it's ok for me to pick the saturdays off. The good news is I'd have the money if I get a job soon as the redundancy money could pay for the training. If I don't get a job soon that may also put a spanner in the works as the redundancy money would just have to pay for 'life.'

I'm hoping to go to the interview day or have a really good chat with BC to find out why the training has changed to just be for the drop ins and how their numbers add up as I've only seen the figures for the full training and would like to run BC as a business.

How did that happen?

Whoops, didn't mean it to be so long since I posted.

So what's been happening? Well, Rosie has been growing ridiculously fast (7.5 months old now!). She's on solids and we're having lots of fun feeding her new things.
I'm being made redundant on the 16th August and am trying to find a new job in a library. This isn't such a bad thing as they're giving me about 4.5k redundancy money so I can stay at home with Rosie for a while longer.

I've had a few interviews, one my local council library which went really well but I didn't get as I don't have library experience and one at an educational library (in a nearby town) which I'm still waiting to hear about. The good news about the first interview was that they're keeping me on file and may have a job for me in a couple of months. I'm really excited about this prospect as I've always fancied working in a library but without a librarian qualification was concerned about the wage. Since I'm now planning on working just to get out of the house and earn a little extra for 'nice stuff' this is less of an issue.

The educational library would be good too, but would involve a bit of travel and I have to admit I'm slightly less excited at the prospect as you don't get to be involved in some of the aspects that attract me to a library like reading groups and visiting people to talk about books. On the other hand, the hours are quite good and it would get me that crucial library experience.

Wednesday 26 March 2008

Day 6 I am not a dustbin & Day 7 Enjoy

I threw away the sad cake (after picking off the icing!). I also brought the remainder of the cake to my breastfeeding clinic and shared it with the other ladies there. This not only stops it going off, but prevents me from pigging out on it.

Day 7 (today) is supposed to be about eating something I really love and enjoying my food - mood food I suppose. At the moment I have a sleeping baby so I think the next task is to go into the kitchen and pick something for dinner. And tonight I fancy butternut squash chips with lamb mince chilli and oven roasted vegetables. http://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/database/butternutchipswithro_87033.shtml Mmm. I'm hungry already.

Monday 24 March 2008

Day 5 - stop when you are satisfied

I've become quite good at this most of the time but was better before I had Rosie. Now I have a tendency to overeat a little because I'm unsure when I'll have another really good meal.

I'm more likely to go back for seconds at the moment because of breastfeeding, I've found that I am more hungry and have a larger appetite than is usual for me. Currently I can eat the same amount as Rich before I'm satisfied whereas previously I was leaving some on the plate.

Tomorrow is along similar lines - I am not a dustbin, throw away what I don't need to eat. I'm happy doing this with savoury foods but less so with sweet. So I have a little challenge as I've got a chocolate cake left over from my birthday last weekend (ie just over a week ago) that is starting to go a little hard. I'll be throwing it away, icing and all!

The chocolate cake that I made is still okay I think (I never did get around to eating any). I'm going to cut one slice off to enjoy at some point tomorrow and send Rich in with the rest to his work. I don't really need to eat it and it's a shame for it to be wasted! If it's a bit sad too, it'll just have to go in the bin.

Sunday 23 March 2008

Day 4 -put it on a plate and focus

Hmm, I'm good at doing this at mealtimes, less so when I'm snacking and I'm sorry to say that I didn't eat my snacks last night mindfully and really ate more than I enjoyed.

I need to come back to this. At this rate I'll be doing the fornight again immediately afterwards!

Today I'm supposed to be stopping when I'm satisfied. We're having roast lamb for dinner (one of my faves, especially roast potatoes) so I'm committing to both tuning in and eating mindfully for that meal.

Friday 21 March 2008

Day 3 - be hungry when you eat

This is my 3rd daily task, to notice when I'm eating for reasons other than hunger. At the moment I swing wildly between starving and being unable to eat because Rosie needs me or not very hungry but having time to grab a snack.

I've been eating chocolates because I was given some for my birthday, but I'm not really hungry when I do it, it's just because I like the taste of them in my mouth or sometimes because I want a break and eating gives me that excuse to take one.

I've only just read the email for today and it's already 6.30pm but I'm going to really notice my hunger levels for the remainder of the day.

Thursday 20 March 2008

Day 2

I'm sitting on this one for a few days, primarily because I wasn't sure I could sign up to the service immediately and was going through old emails and then found that I wasn't too late.

So how has my tuning in gone? Not too bad, I've felt a little resistant sometimes when snacking - in fact my emotions were specifically feeling flustered and rushed and taking some time for myself.

It's therefore probably a good thing that I can pause over this fairy task for a few days. I now have a shiny new laptop (arrived today) so will have another go at tuning in tomorrow as it'll be easier to log my tuning in.

Tuesday 18 March 2008

Day 1

I've put all of the SW magazines into a black bin liner and they're just waiting to be recycled. So my first task is complete. I don't actually think very frequently about dieting nowadays, primarily because it just doesn't work for me - I only last a few hours so it's pointless and I want to eat more than normal to use up my points/syns/whatever.

Day 2 - my task is to tune in and ensure that I eat when I'm actually hungry. This isn't a problem with my main meals, but I'm commiting to doing it specifically with my snacking. I'm going to write down when I'm eating, how much and how I've felt at the time. I did this when I first started IE, using Normal Eating's method (which is based on Geneen Roth's journaling of food).

When I'm out I'll 'tune in' carefully beforehand and record it afterwards as I'm hoping to go to Baby Boogie and am likely to have a scone afterwards. The commitment is to only eat if I actually need to.

I don't really have the time to write it all down for a week or more, but feel I could manage one day. So that's my plan...

Monday 17 March 2008

Lost

I feel like I've lost my way with IE/BC at the moment. My life is flashing by in a whirlwind of night feeds, expressing and feeling I've had a successful day if I've managed to get out of the house by 1pm!

After a very useful teleconference call, I've dug out my BC daily fairy tasks that I signed up to over a year ago. To get back on track a little, I'm going to do one of the fairy tasks each day for the next fortnight and document my daily achievements on my blog.

So, my first task is to spring clean all of my diet books. This is ironic, given the fact that I've got a stack of SW magazines in the lounge that I've been promising myself I'll get rid of. So tomorrow, I'm going to stick them all in a binbag and put them in the car so that they are recycled. The only other 'diet books' are also recipe books and have some nice recipes in them so I'm going to keep them. I've bought some 'full fat' books such as the Nigella bakes book to counteract them, so I'm happy with this.

I'll report back tomorrow whether this task has been successful...

Wednesday 20 February 2008

Unleashing my inner baby

I had loads of fun today as I went to Baby boogie at my local SureStart centre. Baby Boogie is mad. Basically there's a room full of small babies (under a year) with a man who has a drumkit and another one with a guitar. There are many percussion instruments wielded by said mums and occasional babies and everyone sings whilst the babies are bounced and look bemused. I had fun and I think Rosie liked it. She wasn't impressed when I tried to put the duck hat I was given on her head but seemed to like the singing and bouncing.The mums seemed to enjoy it at least as much as the babies, most amusing.

Rosie's now 10lbs 3.5 oz or 4.62kg, so she's doing alright weightwise. The cold has meant she's not been eating as much as normal the last week or so and had more colic than usual. However, the last couple of days she's been gorgeous, smiley and cooing and far more enjoyable. We've also had three nights out of 5 where she's slept til 4/5am from 10.30pm which is very nice as I'm getting a little more sleep. The world's a nicer place when you're not over tired!

Thinking about it, I bet being tired has had an effect on wanting sweet foods as I always crave them when I'm tired. It would explain it a little! I'm still trying to up my intake of fruit and veg, I like fruit I just have a tendency to watch it go mouldy as I'm lazy about taking it out of the packet and preparing it properly.

Wednesday 13 February 2008

Bit more cheery

Far more cheerful today in spite of a couple of disturbed nights as both Rosie and I are recovering from colds.

I'm really happy that I'm managing to carry on expressing, I know it puts extra pressure on myself but we're both doing okay at the moment. I'm now managing to totally feed her on breastmilk in a bottle and have been managing to freeze some extra for the last few days. So, on my birthday (14th March), I'll be able to have loads of wine (well quite a lot anyway) and not worry about Rosie getting the aftereffects.

I was amused yesterday as at my breastfeeding support group the leader agreed that its okay to dilute boozy breastmilk with sober milk. So that's what I've been doing when I do have a couple of units just to be on the safe side.

I'm back at my bellydancing, the weather has improved loads and I've made a new friend at pramclub, it's nice to meet other mums and reassuring to hear other babies fussing and crying.

Foodwise, I'm still eating too much sugary stuff when I'm not really hungry (grazing). However, I'm also eating fruit and yoghurt for breakfast and I thought about why I was overeating whilst I was doing it yesterday and realised it was just because I was worried I'd been whingy at my breastfeeding class and going on about my problems and that I might be annoying to the other members or the 'leader'. So, at least I was able to notice my thoughts.

I told myself that it didn't matter and that I just needed to put it behind me and that it was ok not to be perfect and didn't overeat as badly as I might have done. Also that I don't need other people's approval and that helped. At least I noticed!

Wednesday 6 February 2008

Fed up

Even when you get what you've always wanted you can be dissatisfied. Today I'm fed up.

I love her, but I'd give Rosie back (just for a few hours) if I could. I'm still struggling with breastfeeding. Really that's why I'm fed up as I've been trying the skin to skin contact in bed and she just ended up crying rather than snuggling or latching on. I'm now expressing almost full-time which mostly works but is a bit of a faff, it'd be so much easier if she'd just take it from me.

I'm tired, Rosie wouldn't go back to sleep, even in bed with me. I'm feeling cross, dissatisfied and just want to curl up in a ball and sleep or go out babyless just for a few hours. She feels like an extension of myself that is totally demanding. I've put her in her cot with her mobile and I'm ignoring her for 10 minutes, I can hear her gurgling and cooing so she's fine but I need some space.

Foodwise, I'm permanently hungry (just like Rosie) and have probably been overeating a bit as sometimes I get overhungry. Mostly, I'm having a tendency to eat too much cake and not enough fruit and veg. I'm trying to rectify this and do a bit more walking as I'm feeling a bit sluggish, although I made it back to bellydancing on monday so that was great to have a bit of my life return to normality.

Rosie is now 9lbs 110z, so she's put on 3 1/2 lbs in a month which is really good going.

Damn, now she's started grizzling so I'd better go and pick her up. She's probably hungry again. It's just neverending.

Thursday 10 January 2008

Learning from my baby

It's fascinating seeing the little new life unfolding and developing in front of my eyes. It's teaching me about eating and being. Rosie demands food and can be hungry half an hour after her last meal and as far as she's concerned that's that. She won't wait, she wants it immediately (unfortunately). Demand feeding seems to be me to be intuitive eating.

She's so happy afterwards, full and satisfied. Rosie lives fully in the 'now' she can't understand why she's uncomfortable or watch it slowly build up, it's an immediate problem.

We had a difficult morning because she seemed to be feeding very frequently and I couldn't work out why she was fussing and crying. Usually I get to sleep between 6am when DH feeds her and 10am(ish) when she demands more food. This time around she had two further feeds before settling down and letting me have my sleep between about 10.30 and midday.

Now of course, she's sleeping soundly in her pappoose. And I've managed to eat which is a relief as I was getting ratty.

I had my acceptance letter from BC this morning along with a card and some chocolates. My auntie in Canada has created the most beautiful patchwork baby quilt so my day got better at lunchtime due to the thoughtfulness of others.

Wednesday 9 January 2008

on my own

I'm still struggling on with breastfeeding. I've tried the La Leche league (got advice but no visit), the Association of Breastfeeding mum (ditto) and NCT - have a number but no one's there, and Breast buddies - left a message but no response. It's rather frustrating that there's all this theoretical help but not so much in practice.

However, I've had a minor breakthrough today. I tried a different sort of nipple shield and she latched on and ate. Prior to that, she'd latched on without it and had a little bit so she does still know what to do. I think I'm just going to have to be patient.

More positively, I weighed myself out of curiosity this morning and have lost a stone and a half in the last 4 weeks without trying to at all. I'm going to have to watch that I'm eating properly as I'm aware that Rosie is so demanding that I miss breakfast and am probably eating less that I ought to since I'm still expressing/theoretically breastfeeding.

Also, I've managed to get out of the house twice! Once on monday to the surestart centre where I went to a breastfeeding clinic which was helpful (i realised I've been forcing Rosie's head towards me which she doesn't like) and her baby weighing clinic - she's now back to her birth weight which is great news.

Today I made it into town where she was admired by everyone who saw her for her tinyness. We went to Costa Coffee where she got cuddles from a little group of ladies, whilst I drank a hot chocolate and then had her bottle fed to her by one of them who has had 6 children of her own! It was great to get out of the house and I'm feeling more confident about being on my own.

Sunday 6 January 2008

Ups and downs

I'm still struggling with breastfeeding Rosie. I think I've cracked it, then it all goes wrong again, repeat and rinse. I was all ready to give up again with another full day of trials and tears and this afternoon it's been okay again.

Anyway, I'm hopefully getting professional help over the next few days. I can cope with her falling asleep at the breast (just!) but not the yelling and screaming (she gets v distressed) or being afraid she's not eating enough. So it needs to get sorted out.

I've never been so emotional in my life and never cried so much. I've also never felt happier, it's so up and down. Food is less interesting than normal, to be honest, remembering to eat is more of an issue than overeating, although I am still enjoying the medical orders to eat cake and have been eating plenty of xmas cake!

I really need to start doing a bit more as I've been going a little stir-crazy being stuck at home (still can't drive). This week will be a bit of a test as I'm on my own so I'll have to find out how I cope without help. I'll let you know...

Wednesday 2 January 2008

Emotional rollercoaster

Well, Rosie is now 3 weeks old. It's been a real emotional rollercoaster and I haven't been online for ages.

I thought the feeding was all going okay so got a bit of a horrible shock whenRosie got admitted to hospital last Friday because she'd lost more than 10% of her bodyweight - she went from 6lbs 15oz to 6lbs 6oz and then down to 6lbs 2oz. We got told we needed to supplement her feeding with formula and expressed milk using a bottle.

She's now back up to 6lbs 9oz but for the last few feeds has been refusing to breastfeed and screaming hysterically. I'm sure the fact that she has a cold isn't helping but we think she may also have nipple confusion as she's been getting food the easy way via a bottle as well as from me.

It's all getting very stressful, I'm trying not to take it personally but it's hard not to. I'm trying to keep having snuggly time with her as well as fighting to get her to eat. I never realised it would be so hard and am quite down about it all but haven't (quite) given in yet.